California in February

A Blank Palate

I may be a bit late coming to these delightful little dolls but I have FINALLY discovered them ! A good friend recently pronounced them " creepy " but I see nothing but possibility here. A blank canvas in all of it's plastic-vinyl glory. I was thinking what a great creature a collaborative effort might produce. I may have to get something started on postcardx or somewhere. I have a couple ideas of my own, but I'd love to get into people's heads on this. The flickr galleries are FULL of amazing creations ...

Aside from a potential artistic pursuit, life is relatively quiet. You never really appreciate fully these times until some crazy chaos takes over your life and you long for the boring days. I wish I could " bank " these days and save them for later, when inevitably, something WILL become crazy and chaotic in my world.

We'll be taking a couple jaunts this spring that will liven things up. California this month, Las Vegas in April and Tampa in May. While I absolutely hate the idea of so much flying, I'm looking forward to doing some reading. I try to read at night but by the time I curl up in bed, I'm usually either too tired or wired to concentrate. I got a KINDLE from K for my birthday last year, so I have several books on there just waiting for my attention. It will be nice to travel without the bulk of a stack of books but I will always miss the feel of the pages.

The other day I lost another customer on my mail route. They'd been in business in that location for over 20 years. They closed the doors for the last time last week. It's haunting to see. Lots of emptiness. Another business in the same area is slated to close in another week. That makes about a dozen on my route this past year. There are others I worry for as the economy slips further and further. The restaurants are slowing down, retailers are nervous and it's a waiting game as we all wait and see what the coming weeks and months will bring.

Even the P.O is in the news. Five days of delivery is a very sound idea. The savings that could be realized are great. Gas, labor, building and employee costs. Seems like a no-brainer. Which is exactly why the P.O will find a way to " F " it up. If they eliminated DELIVERY on Saturday it would open the door to a new opportunity to capture the need. The employee situation is complicated, but CAN be managed. The USPS could create a premium service on Saturday, much like UPS has, to capture the need of the few that require it. It's a win-win. Which is exactly why the P.O will find a way to " F " it up. Hide and watch.

I also heard a lengthy piece on NPR about what Derek was talking about weeks ago ... commercial real estate. Seems those developers who bought hi-rises with hopes of high rent clients are feeling a big pinch. Citigroup, WaMu, and hundreds of others are abandoning their high rent offices. Awww, those poor developers. They are losing millions and it ain't looking good for a quick recovery.

So I wonder where we go from here. I suppose the safest thing to do is to just wait it out and try to be smart. Purchase smarter, consume smarter. We never really went crazy with consumerism unless journals and pens and glue stix count ... ;) But we can all move toward smarter living. I don't think we stop buying. I just think it's time to be conscious of where our money is going. KNOW who makes that clothing you're buying. KNOW where your food is really coming from. Reward the companies that treat employees well and think long and hard before you support the Walmart's who grew their business on the backs of hard working people who got screwed out of health insurance and other benefits. I vow to THINK.

Ok. Just checking in. It's a whole new world with Obama at the helm. I hope he can make a difference.

Anyone here up for a Munny doll project ?

Happy February ;)

America the Beautiful ... indeed !

Just another day in paradise ...

I'm not planning to really write about KittyBoiGus, although he's adorable, is he not ? Nor do I intend to give any updates on my resolutions, though I'm doing just fine, thank you. No, I'll answer a question posed recently : What does retirement mean to you ?

Big question.

Derek talked about owning his own home in three years. Wow ! I don't think I've seriously considered staying anywhere long enough to actually free and clear " own it " . Nice idea, but I keep thinking that the last thing I'd want would to have owned my house over the course of the last several years. As it is, I've seen some equity disolve, but if I'd OWNED it outright, it would be far more difficult to stomach the losses. We bought at a good time and so our house is still worth considerably more than when we bought it. I look at the equity as affording me some options down the road. I don't feel a lot of other attachment. Don't get me wrong, I love the place. I like that it safely contains all that I love. But it doesn't mean I want to be here forever and ever amen.

When I talk about retirement, I mean pension. I'm in my 20th year at the P.O and if I stick it out until the earliest retirement age, I can get a pension. I'd have my retirement savings and home equity as a buffer and start a whole new career. Only next time, it'll be one I love. And maybe it will be somewhere other than where I am now ... I can't imagine not working. I mean, not " doing " something. As much as I love vacation, I can easily get bored. What is that crazy saying about " idle hands and the devil's workshop " ? Anyway. I just want some flexibility and freedom. I do not want to be idle.

With ENOUGH money ( for which I'd have to beg, borrow or steal ) I'd say ideally I'd love to live at the beach. Somewhere WARM all the time, like Hawaii. But I'd also love a little place near Pike Place Market. Freedom and flexibility and doing what you love. Can't beat that with a stick.

















Ahhhhhh, the weekend is finally here ....

Happy New Year

Chappy Glue Beer ! Indeed ...

Ever have one of those years ? I mean the kind where you start becoming aware of your little quirks. You start not only ESTABLISHING, but understanding, your own boundaries. You start recognizing more immediately the error of your ways. You become distinctly aware that you are now an adult.( Well, and that you HAVE been for quite some time, but it's taken until this year to really sink in ...)

Oh, there's other things too. I sleep lighter, love deeper and become irritated far more quickly than ever before. This year has been a wild ride for me emotionally. I never imagined reaching a point where I'd actually be talking about retirement in a realistic way, or pondering things like health directives and life insurance. But this is that year.

I'm not saying it's bad. No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm just surprised by my own continued growth. Despite the very nice comment left by George last week, I feel like I'm not always leading with kindness. I also don't always feel like "following my heart" has left me on a path I'm intended to be on. Or maybe I'm just suffering a lack of contentment that has left me feeling incredibly uneasy ...

Hmmm ... pretty much the perfect life and yet something is missing.

Maybe it's the absence of my muse ... I haven't done much creatively all year. I try to create something out of my work day, but it's not the best artistic outlet. I can connect with people but I'm not really connecting to my creative part. Traffic makes me grumpy, people who take me for granted make me frustrated and all the while I'm just feeling discontent.

There just HAS to be more ...

I look around my house and see lots of stuff. STUFF. I think it comes to me as a temporary substitute for that contentment. It isn't, hasn't , worked. My resolutions will help me sort through the false comforts but the real goal this year is to look INSIDE for what I have been seeking outside.

Chappy Glue Beer.

Indeed.

New Year's Resolutions

Ok, I know it's a cliche'. So, sue me ! I've been thinking about this past year. A lot. Maybe I was able to pay better attention this year. An age thing ? Maybe. Mostly it's about loss I think. When people leave your life it affects you. When they die, it is particularly intense. We had a couple very difficult, yet enlightening, months when my Gramps died. There were others this year too, but he was special. I learned a good deal those two months. About life, death and myself.

So here are my resolutions:

Always consider : What does your heart say ?

LEAD with kindness in every situation.

REDUCE * RE-USE * RECYCLE

Clean out drawers & boxes ... it's time to let go.

And finally, and most importantly :

Quit expending so much time & energy on those who don't want or appreciate it. Life is far too short. Focus on the people who really matter.

Stop chasing ghosts.

Happy 2009 !

Some words to make you go ....hmmmmmm

It's a New Day in America !

I just voted ... have YOU ?

A fitting tribute

www.howiebabybaldwin.com

Howard Baldwin 1/1/11 - 9/7/8 1:11 PM

Rest in peace, Gramps*

Gramps

I'm up here with Gramps tonight. Just he and I.

You know I lived with him after my grandmother died. Just for a few months. Just to help him transition. It was never a problem for him, of course. The transition, I mean. He found his way. He always could ...

His breathing now is shallow and a bit congested. He doesn't seem bothered by it in the least, and he doesn't appear to have any discomfort or pain. I think it's harder on those of us nearby than it is on him. He actually stops breathing for about 35 seconds. Then he has shallow, congested breathing for the remainder of each minute. It is a pattern I finally recognize after sitting with him alone this past hour. It's a comfort to hear the pattern.

This hospice at Evergreen is the most phenomenal place. The grounds are beautiful ... waterfall, green paths, engraved plaques in stone walls ... and a magnificent rose garden. His room looks out on the garden in back. Green, lush and beautiful. A hummingbird feeder hangs outside the window.

There is nothing clinical about this space. It has a sleeper sofa, big reclining chair and a window seat that can also double as a bed, as it will for me tonight. There is a TV, ambient lighting and shelves on the wall for pictures or meaningful treasures. There is also a giant bouquet of flowers on his dresser.

The difference between NARC and here is the difference between our perceptions of heaven and hell.

He is getting only oxygen now. He has stopped eating and drinking. The care here is tremendous. They move him gently every few hours, keep him medicated with a low dose of morphine and keep his eyes and mouth moist. The sound of the oxygen is like a stream. Of course, I think he's thinking of Denny Creek.

What I have learned from the hospice nurses is amazing. Signs to recognize as the end is near, some insight into how our bodies seek the end, as well as how our spirits seek closure. A fascinating process, to be sure.

They will be in shortly to prepare me a bed. I chose the window seat, though I don't know how or when or if, sleep will come tonight. It's ok. I'm ok.

I'm not nervous or anxious in the least. I've had conversations with my Mom and her brother I never imagined having. Just things with my Mom about forgiveness and tonight I spoke with my uncle about the night my grandmother passed. His Mom. We've never really talked about it. Gramps is seeing that we all find this meaningful in some ways we never imagined. Perhaps a last gift ...

I may be back. I alternate between this chair and the place next to his bed. As his pattern has become clear I am less inclined to believe he will pass tonight. His body is warm to the touch and his cheeks are still pink. He is not entirely finished here. Not yet.

What ? The Fair ?

Yes. That's right. A good ol' fashioned State Fair in the town most famous for the state prison. But leave it to George to make it fun in spite of rain and a truly " interesting " crowd of folks. We rode the coaster, ate " health food " like jalapeno corn dogs, a root beer float, gooey donuts and I'm proud to say George bought me my very first deep-fried Twinkie. Now THAT, my friends, is a splurge ! What a fun visit. Hope to see George again before she heads back to tee-pee country ...

My Cousins Wedding

Last hours ...

...of vacation, not life. But it FEELS like more than just a vacation ending. I was supposed to have some epiphany or win the lottery. SOMETHING ! Instead, no. I just have to endure 5 days at The Ol' P.O. and I'm off again for another 8. I can live with that. Thinkin' I might make some ATC's today ... anyone wanna trade ?

My distraction ...

I'm supposed to be outside. I promised myself ;) But instead, I discovered the GLUE again and all my little favorite " things " and I let them marry. The ceremony was on the rainbow box and I'm charmed by it.

It feels like THIS

So, day number 1 of vacation. Ahhhhh... can you hear it from there ? This has been THE hardest week at The Ol' P.O. I've ever had. Not sure what makes it stand out so much but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I haven't had a " do-nothing-but-everything " kind of BonnieVacation in a very long time. Oh sure, I've enjoyed time off, but it's been trips and kids and projects. This week ahead is all about ME. I like those kind. I have a clean slate. It's a lot like a fresh sheet of paper without the stress...

My pictures are of my braen. It's a scramble of color and movement and light...

Here's the deal with the P.O. Most people say they'd kill for a good, stable job like I have. Decent money ( I'll never get rich ) , decent benefits ( though they changed this year and the health benefit isn't all it's cracked up to be ...) and copious amounts of annual leave. Those are the in the good column, to be sure. But here's what tips the scale ... over-zealous oversight, bullies for managers and a culture that discourages trust, dignity and respect. Oh sure, the perks are nice, but when you are treated with such disregard it's a bit hard to swallow. Some folks tell me I'm lucky to have that job; that they'd do it even WITH all the bullshit and baggage that goes along.

THAT's when I really get a sick feeling in my gut.

To think that people would CHOOSE to be mistreated for money is sad. To think that one could or would, SELL their self-respect for a few bucks and the promise of stability. But even THAT is a ruse ... there are no guarantees. Ask ENRON employees, or BOEING employees or any number of employees who worked for companies they trusted. Gave their careers on the promise of a pension or a good, sound, solid, SAFE 401K. Ask them.

I hate that the world has become SO disconnected. It's become SO addicted to money that our values have suffered. Whereas words like loyalty and quality and service used to mean something to us at our very core, they have been replaced by words like efficiency and profitability. I think we know what that conjures. The " big guys " making even more money off of the " little guys " .

Being a " little guy " still matters to me. Providing people with a personality and not just a person; providing service, not just delivery; showing respect for the job and the customer and myself even while the business asks that I only do as little as necessary as fast as possible. If that's the trend, it hurts my heart.

I took this job nearly 19 years ago because I liked the idea of fresh air, exercise, connection and the opportunity to SERVE people in a very meaningful way. Beware that the USPS has a new mission. " Less is more; The faster the better; and service be damned ! " I am not afraid of or opposed to, hard work. I have a good, admirable work ethic. I just cringe at the notion of a professional being re-trained to be an unskilled worker. It's hard to ask me not to care. It's even harder to get myself to comply with a request that goes against everything I personally and professionally believe in.

I'm glad for vacation. Truly, I'm grateful for the time away. I only wish it didn't feel like something I NEED in order to maintain some semblance of self-respect and sanity ...

Today ... a little peace

Denny Creek is a place I remember from back in my childhood days. I remember going there with groups of family members and having parties that lasted all day. I remember the tables and the banks of the creek and all the logs ... I remember skipping stones across the tamer parts and throwing boulders in the rushing waters to see if we could alter the flow. I think that's sorta why I went today ... to see if I could alter the flow of my crazy life. And I succeeded, if only for a short while ...

Work just sucks. No point complaining about it. Most folks don't believe it all when I tell them anyway. Suffice to say it's trending in a direction that demands great altering. Thank god for places like Denny Creek and Asahel Curtis ! Now if only I had a hiking companion who could guide me to the Alpine Lakes. Now that would be nirvana ... until then, I am careful treading water trying desperately not to drown ...

Majestic MailArt

Art Imitates Life ... Art Kitty loved the week !