New Year's Resolutions

Ok, I know it's a cliche'. So, sue me ! I've been thinking about this past year. A lot. Maybe I was able to pay better attention this year. An age thing ? Maybe. Mostly it's about loss I think. When people leave your life it affects you. When they die, it is particularly intense. We had a couple very difficult, yet enlightening, months when my Gramps died. There were others this year too, but he was special. I learned a good deal those two months. About life, death and myself.

So here are my resolutions:

Always consider : What does your heart say ?

LEAD with kindness in every situation.

REDUCE * RE-USE * RECYCLE

Clean out drawers & boxes ... it's time to let go.

And finally, and most importantly :

Quit expending so much time & energy on those who don't want or appreciate it. Life is far too short. Focus on the people who really matter.

Stop chasing ghosts.

Happy 2009 !

Some words to make you go ....hmmmmmm

It's a New Day in America !

I just voted ... have YOU ?

A fitting tribute

www.howiebabybaldwin.com

Howard Baldwin 1/1/11 - 9/7/8 1:11 PM

Rest in peace, Gramps*

Gramps

I'm up here with Gramps tonight. Just he and I.

You know I lived with him after my grandmother died. Just for a few months. Just to help him transition. It was never a problem for him, of course. The transition, I mean. He found his way. He always could ...

His breathing now is shallow and a bit congested. He doesn't seem bothered by it in the least, and he doesn't appear to have any discomfort or pain. I think it's harder on those of us nearby than it is on him. He actually stops breathing for about 35 seconds. Then he has shallow, congested breathing for the remainder of each minute. It is a pattern I finally recognize after sitting with him alone this past hour. It's a comfort to hear the pattern.

This hospice at Evergreen is the most phenomenal place. The grounds are beautiful ... waterfall, green paths, engraved plaques in stone walls ... and a magnificent rose garden. His room looks out on the garden in back. Green, lush and beautiful. A hummingbird feeder hangs outside the window.

There is nothing clinical about this space. It has a sleeper sofa, big reclining chair and a window seat that can also double as a bed, as it will for me tonight. There is a TV, ambient lighting and shelves on the wall for pictures or meaningful treasures. There is also a giant bouquet of flowers on his dresser.

The difference between NARC and here is the difference between our perceptions of heaven and hell.

He is getting only oxygen now. He has stopped eating and drinking. The care here is tremendous. They move him gently every few hours, keep him medicated with a low dose of morphine and keep his eyes and mouth moist. The sound of the oxygen is like a stream. Of course, I think he's thinking of Denny Creek.

What I have learned from the hospice nurses is amazing. Signs to recognize as the end is near, some insight into how our bodies seek the end, as well as how our spirits seek closure. A fascinating process, to be sure.

They will be in shortly to prepare me a bed. I chose the window seat, though I don't know how or when or if, sleep will come tonight. It's ok. I'm ok.

I'm not nervous or anxious in the least. I've had conversations with my Mom and her brother I never imagined having. Just things with my Mom about forgiveness and tonight I spoke with my uncle about the night my grandmother passed. His Mom. We've never really talked about it. Gramps is seeing that we all find this meaningful in some ways we never imagined. Perhaps a last gift ...

I may be back. I alternate between this chair and the place next to his bed. As his pattern has become clear I am less inclined to believe he will pass tonight. His body is warm to the touch and his cheeks are still pink. He is not entirely finished here. Not yet.

What ? The Fair ?

Yes. That's right. A good ol' fashioned State Fair in the town most famous for the state prison. But leave it to George to make it fun in spite of rain and a truly " interesting " crowd of folks. We rode the coaster, ate " health food " like jalapeno corn dogs, a root beer float, gooey donuts and I'm proud to say George bought me my very first deep-fried Twinkie. Now THAT, my friends, is a splurge ! What a fun visit. Hope to see George again before she heads back to tee-pee country ...

My Cousins Wedding

Last hours ...

...of vacation, not life. But it FEELS like more than just a vacation ending. I was supposed to have some epiphany or win the lottery. SOMETHING ! Instead, no. I just have to endure 5 days at The Ol' P.O. and I'm off again for another 8. I can live with that. Thinkin' I might make some ATC's today ... anyone wanna trade ?

My distraction ...

I'm supposed to be outside. I promised myself ;) But instead, I discovered the GLUE again and all my little favorite " things " and I let them marry. The ceremony was on the rainbow box and I'm charmed by it.

It feels like THIS

So, day number 1 of vacation. Ahhhhh... can you hear it from there ? This has been THE hardest week at The Ol' P.O. I've ever had. Not sure what makes it stand out so much but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I haven't had a " do-nothing-but-everything " kind of BonnieVacation in a very long time. Oh sure, I've enjoyed time off, but it's been trips and kids and projects. This week ahead is all about ME. I like those kind. I have a clean slate. It's a lot like a fresh sheet of paper without the stress...

My pictures are of my braen. It's a scramble of color and movement and light...

Here's the deal with the P.O. Most people say they'd kill for a good, stable job like I have. Decent money ( I'll never get rich ) , decent benefits ( though they changed this year and the health benefit isn't all it's cracked up to be ...) and copious amounts of annual leave. Those are the in the good column, to be sure. But here's what tips the scale ... over-zealous oversight, bullies for managers and a culture that discourages trust, dignity and respect. Oh sure, the perks are nice, but when you are treated with such disregard it's a bit hard to swallow. Some folks tell me I'm lucky to have that job; that they'd do it even WITH all the bullshit and baggage that goes along.

THAT's when I really get a sick feeling in my gut.

To think that people would CHOOSE to be mistreated for money is sad. To think that one could or would, SELL their self-respect for a few bucks and the promise of stability. But even THAT is a ruse ... there are no guarantees. Ask ENRON employees, or BOEING employees or any number of employees who worked for companies they trusted. Gave their careers on the promise of a pension or a good, sound, solid, SAFE 401K. Ask them.

I hate that the world has become SO disconnected. It's become SO addicted to money that our values have suffered. Whereas words like loyalty and quality and service used to mean something to us at our very core, they have been replaced by words like efficiency and profitability. I think we know what that conjures. The " big guys " making even more money off of the " little guys " .

Being a " little guy " still matters to me. Providing people with a personality and not just a person; providing service, not just delivery; showing respect for the job and the customer and myself even while the business asks that I only do as little as necessary as fast as possible. If that's the trend, it hurts my heart.

I took this job nearly 19 years ago because I liked the idea of fresh air, exercise, connection and the opportunity to SERVE people in a very meaningful way. Beware that the USPS has a new mission. " Less is more; The faster the better; and service be damned ! " I am not afraid of or opposed to, hard work. I have a good, admirable work ethic. I just cringe at the notion of a professional being re-trained to be an unskilled worker. It's hard to ask me not to care. It's even harder to get myself to comply with a request that goes against everything I personally and professionally believe in.

I'm glad for vacation. Truly, I'm grateful for the time away. I only wish it didn't feel like something I NEED in order to maintain some semblance of self-respect and sanity ...

Today ... a little peace

Denny Creek is a place I remember from back in my childhood days. I remember going there with groups of family members and having parties that lasted all day. I remember the tables and the banks of the creek and all the logs ... I remember skipping stones across the tamer parts and throwing boulders in the rushing waters to see if we could alter the flow. I think that's sorta why I went today ... to see if I could alter the flow of my crazy life. And I succeeded, if only for a short while ...

Work just sucks. No point complaining about it. Most folks don't believe it all when I tell them anyway. Suffice to say it's trending in a direction that demands great altering. Thank god for places like Denny Creek and Asahel Curtis ! Now if only I had a hiking companion who could guide me to the Alpine Lakes. Now that would be nirvana ... until then, I am careful treading water trying desperately not to drown ...

Majestic MailArt

Art Imitates Life ... Art Kitty loved the week !

And even more... gotta love summer !

And more summer fun !!

Finally, SUMMER !

Bill's Last Day

And again ...

Quick update :

At around 6PM we found ourselves heading down to the emergency vet in Auburn. It's been a difficult day. Let's just say the softener is working great and Otter still cannot stand on her own. If that were the only problem, we could manage but she started showing mostly blood in her catheter line. Not good.

As it turned out, the vet said it was probably the catheter rubbing on her bladder. He said it wasn't unusual. After taking her temp and checking her bladder he noticed she had a lot of feeling in her back side ... a very good sign. Said the meds seem to be working which was great. Kelly will call the vet tomorrow and see if she wants to put in a different catheter. Otherwise, it seems she is progressing as well as can be expected. Oy. It's gonna be a long week ...

As most of you know, Otter is mostly bonded with Kelly. She has taken to barking for her now. It's pretty funny. I wish I was more comfort to her. I try, I try ...

Anyway. Sorry for all the graphic updates today.

Since our crates and carriers are too small, Otter now resides mostly in a gigantic Rubbermaid container. Admittedly, it's a bit coffin-like, but it's the best we can do and the guy at the emergency vet said he thought it sounded perfect. And so it is ...

More later.

The Weekend

We expected to be at the beach this weekend. We've had a plan since January to go this weekend to the Oregon coast. Sand carving contest in Cannon Beach, relaxation at Rockaway Beach and a visit to Otter Crest. Well, as you've heard and probably experienced before, the best laid plans can still fall apart.

Friday morning,we noticed Otter was favoring her back legs and by late morning she was unable to use either leg at all. You could tell she was in serious pain and it progressed into crying and yelping with any movement. Pain killers helped her a bit but we took her to the vet yesterday to find out how serious her problem was.

Our vet said her spinal cord was swollen from the pressure of at least three bulging discs in her back. She said it had temporarily paralyzed her back legs and was affecting her ability to pee or poop. She had her bladder drained, got a shot of steroid and had a catheter put in. We brought her home yesterday with her little pee bag, some oral steroids, antibiotic, pain meds and a stool softener. She's as comfortable as we can keep her. All systems are functioning, although you can imagine it's a bit messy since she is still unable to stand on her own. Vet says she needs to stay as close to STILL as possible for the next 10 days. We'll keep you posted. The good news is that she's eating & drinking pretty well and the pain meds have kept her comfortable enough to get some sleep.

Gus is being supportive by literally "hanging out" nearby. He's super curious about that whole bag thing though ...

Keep a good thought for Otter. Hopefully she recovers quickly from this serious flare-up.

The Art Wall