2178

2165

Merry Christmas Everyone !

2127

Give PEACE a chance ...

Still 2113

2113

Those who know me best, know that I am on a long, winding spiritual journey. Many twists and turns along the way, trying to find what I believe to be my own spiritual center. I'm not there yet, but what I envision is a spinning ball; a riot of color at the very core. Something brilliant and solid. I only mention it all this morning because there are days I feel like all I can do is ask The Universe for help. Ask for patience. Ask for peace. And so today I am asking ... for P E A C E . I know it begins here, inside me. So, with a blanket of freshly fallen snow outside I resolve that it begins here. With me. Today.

I've got piles of projects sitting around begging for my attention. Everything from ATC's to Christmas cards, to the cARTalog Project for the University of IOWA. I love this time of year. I am perpetually behind, but behind in the sense that there's so much to give and so little time to prepare it all for the window that is Christmas. I imagine some wishes will be late ... others will arrive just in time ! I've got a couple pictures of these projects in process ...

Do let me know what you think ...*

TidBits : Rosie's Blog Store opens soon. Check it out. All profits go to charity so your " gettin' " is really " givin' " ! I still hope everyone has seen CRASH by now, but if you haven't ... I highly recommend doing so. It is the most thought-provoking film I've seen in a long time. It's not a family show. But in the sense that what you learn and discover about yourself you can share, I'd say it is ALL ABOUT what you can do FOR your family. Sometimes it's important to be FOR something ...

Enjoy the pics ...

Hope you are all ready for the holidays !

2068

Tonight as I was driving home I was mesmorized by the moon. And not just the brightness or the size ... but the little star that seemed to hang just below. I tried to photograph it, but even that borrowed moment was not to be had. It is really remarkable. It's been a very reflective week. I'm not sure what caused them to come about, all these restless thoughts of days past, but I am actually welcoming them to me. Taking pleasure in reliving time that has passed. It could just be the full moon ...it could be something more.

It doesn't really matter, the why. All that I need to know is that I feel a little different tonight. Sharper, more like the Bonnie Rae I remember. Maybe even a bit more spiritual, though I couldn't pick a thing ; point at it ; and say " that's it " . Nothing is ever that clear

Or that simple.

Wish I could have captured that moon ...

2060

In war, there are no unwounded soldiers. ~José Narosky

2057

AND SO IT IS ...

OTTER

Over the river and through the woods, to GrandDad's house we go ... I realize she doesn't look THRILLED to be in the car, but there is a definite contentment that is unmistakable .

2046

Ahhhh ... Sunday morning. Nothing quite like a few hours relaxing and mindlessly searching the internet for whatever comes into my mind. I've become spoiled on GOOGLE search. It seems to somehow understand how I think, and allows me to type in just about anything and get responses back. As an example, type in the word " failure " . See what comes up. No real surprise.

Kelly seems to think I'm not very effective at getting my point across with regard to my political opinions. She says I leave the debate open, that I don't have a point or closure. I say I do. Mostly, it is about broadening your vision of the world. If we lived in the soundbite world of network TV we'd be doomed. We need to challenge our best selves to search for MORE information. Watch several different shows on the current news. Listen to more than just ONE radio program, and be mindful that if it is " Talk Radio " it is NOT news. Read more than just the local paper. Explore blogs. Read news online. It was amazing to me to read the New Orleans newspapers after Katrina. There was NOT a lot of sugar-coating. There were pictures of a very harsh reality. If I were to only have read my local paper, I would have an incomplete picture. I also sought out photo journalists. It helped me understand the real nature of the situation. I'm just saying we need to WAKE UP.

I meet hundreds of people a week and have lots of opportunity for chit-chat. It surprises me how many people don't " follow " politics . It's really like saying " I don't care if other people decide what is best for me " . I think it is irresponsible to "NOT follow " a process that determines so much of how we live our lives.

I know there are people who think I'm a bit radical. That's fair. I am the opposite of FOX News. The opposite of " soundbite " network reporting. I seek out information, do my homework, and decide in my own mind that the thing I should fear is not terrorism or bird flu, but an establishment that is slowly taking away my rights. And it's not just about my rights. It is about privelege and wealth and world power ... and if you don't believe it could happen here, think again. My prediction of a police state and a cancelled 2008 election are among my least popular theories, but among my worst fears.

And finally, Kelly and I are still at odds about God. She turns to God for comfort, and I am still searching ...

( FYI : Otter is doing wonderfully in her new home. She has adjusted to her surroundings and is establishing herself in the family. It's good to have such a sweet diversion most days ... )

2035

Yes, that's what it says ... TWENTY THIRTY FIVE. TWO THOUSAND THIRTY FIVE. It's been just over a week since we hit 2000. I don't even know what to say about that ...

2000

No further comment needed today on that number. Sad, just so very sad ...






On a lighter note, we may have gotten ourselves a new addition here ! We signed up with Seattle Purebread Dog Rescue and " Otter " came to us last night. Well, actually WE came to " Otter " . We had signed up in hopes of " rescuing " a needy pet. ( We lost Bosco in March. She was 15 and a half. ) Otter had lived her whole life with one woman before a stroke made her unable to care for her. Otter's 12 and in darn good health for her age. She is also a sweet, sweet spirit. Even Snippy ( our cat ) has taken to her. After a night apart, they woke up today and quickly became fast friends. It's nice having a dog underfoot again . I love the little tapping sounds her toes make in the kitchen, and the little snoring sounds she makes when she sleeps. And mostly it just adds a delightful energy to our home.

Thanks SPDR ! We think she's going to love being part of our family *
Hope she doesn't mind if we call her OtterGustazzi !

1996

I'm guessing that by the first of the week we will see the 2000 mark reached in IRAQ. Two THOUSAND young men and women, giving their lives and bright futures for a miserable excuse for liberation in a country that neither wants us there or asked us to come. Two THOUSAND. GW won't say it aloud, but he considers this " acceptable loss " on some level. I still don't know if anyone can REALLY articulate just WHY we are still there. Lord knows, it's still not clear WHY we went in the first place. I tend to think it is because a FEW chosen groups prosper during war. It's not you and I. It's not our parents or our grandparents or our siblings or our children. It's not OUR families that prosper.

So unbearably sad, all of it.

1983

Ahhhh ... the coast ! I'll write this weekend about life and leisure and politics ... for now, just enjoy the view *

George Speaks

"We're facing a radical ideology with an unalterable objective, to enslave whole nations and intimidate the whole world," he said.

Is he speaking of THEM or US ????

1945

As George Bush moves his lips again about the war in IRAQ, I watch the numbers of the dead still climbing. How stupid are we supposed to be ? How long is " until IRAQ can defend itself " really translate to in REAL NUMBERS ? What should we use as a measure when they insist we must have patience ? Days, months, years, decades, generations ? Are we really prepared to trust this man with the lives of our sons and daughters, nieces and nephews, grandkids and neighbors ? Has he EARNED that trust ? I think he's exploited it, and I am wary now of any time he says " trust me " .

I don't. I can't. I won't.

The new nominee for the Supreme Court is another example of " trust me " ... and ultimately, why we should NOT. What we DO know about Miers, is that she belongs to an extremely conservative, evangelical church. What do you THINK that means for gay rights and abortion rights ? What do you THINK that means for the growing interest this administration has in executive power and privilege ? I do not believe we will have an election in 2008. I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it until it is 2009 and I have been proven wrong. I don't think the issue for this administration is really abortion. I think the issue is about power and privilege that includes the right to cancel an election if there is a terror " threat " or event. People say " that could never happen here " ... Why do you think Bush is trying so hard to change the role of the military in domestic situations ? Do you really think they are considering the outbreak of avian flu ? I think they are considering only the possibility of an uprising, when the election is cancelled. We already have the Patriot Act, which gives them the right to declare an individual an " enemy combatant " . The make-up of this Supreme Court is more important than ever when it comes to the questions of executive power and privilege. If they can focus the debate on social issues, it is unlikely people will see the REAL goal of this administration in shaping this country for decades to come.

The Patriot Act, control of the media, control of Congress and control of the court. Doesn't that shake people up a bit ? Do you really think this administration is focusing on " hot-button social issues " ? This administration is exploiting good Christian people and taking advantage of their support based on issues that matter to them. But when it comes right down to it, they will throw us all under the bus when the time comes.

On a lighter note, fall is everywhere now. From the cool mornings, to the glistening drizzle on the trees, to the leaves that are changing color and then falling to the ground. If it weren't so beautiful I'd think it was nothing but work. Our birch tree is a prolific shedder of leaves. They cover the lawn and taunt me on days I prefer to stay inside. Today again, the beauty will win out over the duty ...

The kids are coming for the weekend beginning tonight. It should be a nice change here to have them with us. We are hoping to go to WolfHaven this Sunday to visit the wolf we " adopted " for Blake last Christmas. It is a sanctuary of sorts, and it sounds like an adventure for sure.

NEXT weekend, Kelly and I will celebrate our fifth anniversary down at the Oregon Coast. We haven't gotten away together for quite some time. I look forward to being away from the electronic world for a while. Cannon Beach is beckoning, as well ... strolling through an artsy town is always such a joy for me. We'll be staying at the beach, and I really look forward to the time alone. I can't say enough about the opportunity for a re-connection, of sorts. Ahhhhh ....

And soon enough, it will be Halloween and all that it means and implies ! The kids have their costumes and I think Kelly has something in mind too. Now I have to figure something out ... Hmmm ... Sounds like a good project for today ;)

1920

It's been awhile. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance it takes to keep a journal. I always figured an online one would be simpler. No scrounging for "just the right pen", or "just the right paper" or "just the right place". No empty pages staring you down as you try to begin.

But it's really all about time and priorities. ( There is still the question of pen ( font ), paper ( photo or not ??), and location ( I'm wireless, I can use any room ). Oh, and a blank screen is just as daunting as a blank page. )

Time and priority.

I wrestle with that. I always have. I love my PX site, but sometimes I spend TOO much time actually ON the site and not enough time sending mail. And even though I'm online, it's sooooo hard just to steer away for a minute and log an entry here. I find myself reading other blogs, commenting and cycling through all the other sites I frequent.

I'll do better.

Fall is when I settle down a bit. I don't have any more time, but I seem to narrow my focus a bit. Why, just today I noticed how leaves are beginning to change around me. I'll probably start taking an even longer route to work ( Egads ! ) just so I can bear witness to this change in the season. Highway 18 winds up to Tiger Mountain and then trails off onto the Interstate. In between where I live and that interesection at the Interstate is the most glorious scenery. So many trees. So many beautiful reminders of Mama Nature, when so many bad reminders are still lingering ...

Here's my suggestions this week: Rent CRASH.
Make a donation to your local food bank.
Notice the trees ...

And remember today : " The only thing that has to be finished by next Tuesday is next Monday "

1895

1894

Let's not forget about IRAQ. Let's not forget about our troops. But let's finally realize the TRUTH about this Administration and their promise of safety and preparedness. The " spin machine " is working overtime. In fact, I heard that after a delayed response to the Hurricane, FEMA officials were instructed to put a good face on this tragedy and their response to it. They were instructed FIRST AND FOREMOST, to " spin " this tragedy. Sickening. Shame on them all.


From BLOGGERMANN ( Olbermann @ MSNBC )

• September 5, 2005 | 8:58 p.m. ET

The "city" of Louisiana (Keith Olbermann)


SECAUCUS — Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said it all, starting his news briefing Saturday afternoon: "Louisiana is a city that is largely underwater..."

Well there's your problem right there.

If ever a slip-of-the-tongue defined a government's response to a crisis, this was it.

The seeming definition of our time and our leaders had been their insistence on slashing federal budgets for projects that might’ve saved New Orleans. The seeming characterization of our government that it was on vacation when the city was lost, and could barely tear itself away from commemorating V.J. Day and watching Monty Python's Flying Circus, to at least pretend to get back to work. The seeming identification of these hapless bureaucrats: their pathetic use of the future tense in terms of relief they could’ve brought last Monday and Tuesday — like the President, whose statements have looked like they’re being transmitted to us by some kind of four-day tape-delay.

But no. The incompetence and the ludicrous prioritization will forever be symbolized by one gaffe by of the head of what is ironically called “The Department of Homeland Security”: “Louisiana is a city…”

Politician after politician — Republican and Democrat alike — has paraded before us, unwilling or unable to shut off the "I-Me" switch in their heads, condescendingly telling us about how moved they were or how devastated they were — congenitally incapable of telling the difference between the destruction of a city and the opening of a supermarket.

And as that sorry recital of self-absorption dragged on, I have resisted editorial comment. The focus needed to be on the efforts to save the stranded — even the internet's meager powers were correctly devoted to telling the stories of the twin disasters, natural... and government-made.

But now, at least, it is has stopped getting exponentially worse in Mississippi and Alabama and New Orleans and Louisiana (the state, not the city). And, having given our leaders what we know now is the week or so they need to get their act together, that period of editorial silence I mentioned, should come to an end.

No one is suggesting that mayors or governors in the afflicted areas, nor the federal government, should be able to stop hurricanes. Lord knows, no one is suggesting that we should ever prioritize levee improvement for a below-sea-level city, ahead of $454 million worth of trophy bridges for the politicians of Alaska.

But, nationally, these are leaders who won re-election last year largely by portraying their opponents as incapable of keeping the country safe. These are leaders who regularly pressure the news media in this country to report the reopening of a school or a power station in Iraq, and defies its citizens not to stand up and cheer. Yet they couldn't even keep one school or power station from being devastated by infrastructure collapse in New Orleans — even though the government had heard all the "chatter" from the scientists and city planners and hurricane centers and some group whose purposes the government couldn't quite discern... a group called The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.

And most chillingly of all, this is the Law and Order and Terror government. It promised protection — or at least amelioration — against all threats: conventional, radiological, or biological.

It has just proved that it cannot save its citizens from a biological weapon called standing water.

Mr. Bush has now twice insisted that, "we are not satisfied," with the response to the manifold tragedies along the Gulf Coast. I wonder which "we" he thinks he's speaking for on this point. Perhaps it's the administration, although we still don't know where some of them are. Anybody seen the Vice President lately? The man whose message this time last year was, 'I'll Protect You, The Other Guy Will Let You Die'?

I don't know which 'we' Mr. Bush meant.

For many of this country's citizens, the mantra has been — as we were taught in Social Studies it should always be — whether or not I voted for this President — he is still my President. I suspect anybody who had to give him that benefit of the doubt stopped doing so last week. I suspect a lot of his supporters, looking ahead to '08, are wondering how they can distance themselves from the two words which will define his government — our government — "New Orleans."

For him, it is a shame — in all senses of the word. A few changes of pronouns in there, and he might not have looked so much like a 21st Century Marie Antoinette. All that was needed was just a quick "I'm not satisfied with my government's response." Instead of hiding behind phrases like "no one could have foreseen," had he only remembered Winston Churchill's quote from the 1930's. "The responsibility," of government, Churchill told the British Parliament "for the public safety is absolute and requires no mandate. It is in fact, the prime object for which governments come into existence."

In forgetting that, the current administration did not merely damage itself — it damaged our confidence in our ability to rely on whoever is in the White House.

As we emphasized to you here all last week, the realities of the region are such that New Orleans is going to be largely uninhabitable for a lot longer than anybody is yet willing to recognize. Lord knows when the last body will be found, or the last artifact of the levee break, dug up. Could be next March. Could be 2100. By then, in the muck and toxic mire of New Orleans, they may even find our government's credibility.

Somewhere, in the City of Louisiana.

SHAME walking ...

1886

Thinking tonight about the unimaginable events of the past week. It has eclipsed the horror in IRAQ with a new horror here. I frequent an internet forum that has members from all over the world. While they share our sadness, many also share our frustration and rage at the slow Federal response. I wrote earlier, somewhere else, that I wonder whether the fact that it was poor, black communities that were hit the hardest, had anything to do with the delays. It's terrible to think of it all that way, and yet I am disgusted by the " spin machine " hitting the airwaves trying to paint a pretty picture about an ugly, ugly tragedy. They have been doing it in IRAQ for months, but HERE it won't work. HERE, we can see the pictures. We can hear the stories first hand. These are our friends and families. You can't " spin " yourself out of this one, George.

I suppose the worst part for me is having the FEMA chief and " Homeland Security " chief talking about this catastrophe like no one could have predicted this storm, the flooding and despair. Not only COULD someone predict it, someone DID. The TIMES-Picayune predicted, with startling detail, the events that could happen in the event of a major hurricane and flood in New Orleans. And this wasn't days ago ... it was long enough ago to PLAN for the possibility. Really, you owe it to yourself to READ THIS series of articles from the TIMES-Picayune. It will infuriate you every time you hear one of the administration " talking heads " try to shift responsibility onto the victims of this horrible tragedy. This administration knew. They saw it coming. And they CUT funding. Shame on them.
http://www.nola.com/hurricane/?/washingaway/

I actually saw where the FEMA chief said the VICTIMS had to assume a good share of the responsibility. Shame on him. Those are not CNN/ cell phone communities that nearly perished in this tragedy. They may have never even gotten the word that this time it was for real ! So many false alarms before. I imagine they became immune to the reports of a big huuricane coming their way. Just another slow news day where the TV stations blow everything out of proportion in order to HAVE some news to report. Sad situation.

Thank God Americans haven't lost their faith. There are stories coming from Mississippi and Louisiana that are heartbreaking, and yet rich with the human spirit. Our people keep us strong. But our government has to go.

George Bush's response has been shameful.
And Dennis Hastert isn't far behind.
The people deserve better.

America ?

America, is that you ??

An AP Essay: Is this happening in America?

By JIM LITKE

Associated Press Writer





Image after image of unrelenting sorrow, layered one atop the other like a deck of haunting cards. A baby held aloft, inches above a sea of desperate faces, gasping for air. The dead left where they've fallen, in plain view, robbed of even the simple dignity of a shroud. Survivors waiting, then begging, then fighting, finally, over food and water.

Here.

While the images of natural disasters and man-made ones alike, from Sri Lanka or Baghdad, cause despair, the pictures from New Orleans inspire not just helplessness, but disbelief. The richest, most powerful nation in the world can build schools, hospitals and shelters halfway around the globe, but it can't provide the basic necessities for its own days after a disaster that everybody saw coming?

Here?

Usually, we shudder, change the channel or turn the page, awaiting better news. But there is something too compelling about these pictures. The distance between us and the people in them has been narrowed, rendered uncomfortably close, and not just for those who are family, friends or neighbors. We recognize them. We all see people like them.

Here.

Authorities can't make the waters that did that retreat. They can't begin to rebuild the levee or the homes and businesses made uninhabitable, at least not now. They will never be able to restore much of what was washed away in the flood.

But if a reporter can interview a man standing outside a looted drugstore, and record his reluctance at having to go inside and steal pads for incontinence, why couldn't someone get medical supplies to the people huddled at the Superdome or the convention center in time, or the buses promised to evacuate them?

There are more questions than answers, and will be for years to come. That's the nature of disaster, and its aftermath. They expose our fragility, overwhelm our best intentions, mock our attempts to impose the sense of calm and order that prevails when life proceeds according to some rough plan.

Yet, ultimately, that's what is most unsettling about the constant stream of images: The suffering goes on not just for hours, but for days after we should have and could have ended it. And for all the commissions, reports and bravado that passes for preparedness, we didn't. It was a hand we never expected to be dealt.

Here.

There will be time enough, too, to assess blame, for politicians to point fingers, find and fire those deemed accountable. And maybe even to figure out how a handful of Southeast Asian governments, whose economies, armies and emergency resources could all be folded comfortably several times inside those of the United States, responded to a tsunami much larger and fiercer than Hurricane Katrina with swiftness and efficiency, and we could not. And so the frustration builds, not so much over what happened, but what did not.

Here.

In the meantime, the disturbing images keep rolling in, interrupted now and then by more hopeful ones. The trucks, jeeps, buses and helicopters so scarce the past few days are out moving in force. Police and National Guardsmen are on the streets, rescue workers are getting in place. The babies in the latest pictures are contentedly emptying bottles, pallets filled with water and food are being unloaded by human chains. One administration official after another turns up on the screen to offer reassurances and soothing words.

But the damage has been done, and it's no longer limited to the lives lost and ruined, or the property destroyed. Those are things, sadly enough, that can be totaled up over time.

Much harder to measure is the cost of all those searing images burned into the national conscience, and what they've done to the sense of security that was our last refuge when disasters wreaked havoc, and then, unnecessary suffering, in distant lands - the certainty that it couldn't happen here.

Now we know better.

For George W Bush

GUESTWORDS: By E.L. Doctorow

The Unfeeling President

I fault this president for not knowing what death is. He does not suffer the death of our 21-year-olds who wanted to be what they could be. On the eve of D-Day in 1944 General Eisenhower prayed to God for the lives of the young soldiers he knew were going to die. He knew what death was. Even in a justifiable war, a war not of choice but of necessity, a war of survival, the cost was almost more than Eisenhower could bear.
But this president does not know what death is. He hasn’t the mind for it. You see him joking with the press, peering under the table for the weapons of mass destruction he can’t seem to find, you see him at rallies strutting up to the stage in shirt sleeves to the roar of the carefully screened crowd, smiling and waving, triumphal, a he-man.

He does not mourn. He doesn’t understand why he should mourn. He is satisfied during the course of a speech written for him to look solemn for a moment and speak of the brave young Americans who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

But you study him, you look into his eyes and know he dissembles an emotion which he does not feel in the depths of his being because he has no capacity for it. He does not feel a personal responsibility for the 1,000 dead young men and women who wanted to be what they could be.

They come to his desk not as youngsters with mothers and fathers or wives and children who will suffer to the end of their days a terribly torn fabric of familial relationships and the inconsolable remembrance of aborted life . . . they come to his desk as a political liability, which is why the press is not permitted to photograph the arrival of their coffins from Iraq.

How then can he mourn? To mourn is to express regret and he regrets nothing. He does not regret that his reason for going to war was, as he knew, unsubstantiated by the facts. He does not regret that his bungled plan for the war’s aftermath has made of his mission-accomplished a disaster. He does not regret that, rather than controlling terrorism, his war in Iraq has licensed it. So he never mourns for the dead and crippled youngsters who have fought this war of his choice.

He wanted to go to war and he did. He had not the mind to perceive the costs of war, or to listen to those who knew those costs. He did not understand that you do not go to war when it is one of the options but when it is the only option; you go not because you want to but because you have to.

Yet this president knew it would be difficult for Americans not to cheer the overthrow of a foreign dictator. He knew that much. This president and his supporters would seem to have a mind for only one thing — to take power, to remain in power, and to use that power for the sake of themselves and their friends.

A war will do that as well as anything. You become a wartime leader. The country gets behind you. Dissent becomes inappropriate. And so he does not drop to his knees, he is not contrite, he does not sit in the church with the grieving parents and wives and children. He is the president who does not feel. He does not feel for the families of the dead, he does not feel for the 35 million of us who live in poverty, he does not feel for the 40 percent who cannot afford health insurance, he does not feel for the miners whose lungs are turning black or for the working people he has deprived of the chance to work overtime at time-and-a-half to pay their bills - it is amazing for how many people in this country this president does not feel.

But he will dissemble feeling. He will say in all sincerity he is relieving the wealthiest 1 percent of the population of their tax burden for the sake of the rest of us, and that he is polluting the air we breathe for the sake of our economy, and that he is decreasing the quality of air in coal mines to save the coal miners’ jobs, and that he is depriving workers of their time-and-a-half benefits for overtime because this is actually a way to honor them by raising them into the professional class.

And this litany of lies he will versify with reverences for God and the flag and democracy, when just what he and his party are doing to our democracy is choking the life out of it.

But there is one more terribly sad thing about all of this. I remember the millions of people here and around the world who marched against the war. It was extraordinary, that spontaneous aroused oversoul of alarm and protest that transcended national borders. Why did it happen? After all, this was not the only war anyone had ever seen coming. There are little wars all over he world most of the time.

But the cry of protest was the appalled understanding of millions of people that America was ceding its role as the last best hope of mankind. It was their perception that the classic archetype of democracy was morphing into a rogue nation. The greatest democratic republic in history was turning its back on the future, using its extraordinary power and standing not to advance the ideal of a concordance of civilizations but to endorse the kind of tribal combat that originated with the Neanderthals, a people, now extinct, who could imagine ensuring their survival by no other means than pre-emptive war.

The president we get is the country we get. With each president the nation is conformed spiritually. He is the artificer of our malleable national soul. He proposes not only the laws but the kinds of lawlessness that govern our lives and invoke our responses. The people he appoints are cast in his image. The trouble they get into and get us into, is his characteristic trouble.

Finally, the media amplify his character into our moral weather report. He becomes the face of our sky, the conditions that prevail. How can we sustain ourselves as the United States of America given the stupid and ineffective warmaking, the constitutionally insensitive lawgiving, and the monarchal economics of this president? He cannot mourn but is a figure of such moral vacancy as to make us mourn for ourselves.

written 9.9.04 for the east hampton star

Eighteen hundred seventy two

This is what 1872 looks like


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1872

Can you even believe it ? 1872.

The number speaks for itself.

Quotes from Republicans when Clinton committed troops to Bosnia:
( these are borrowed from Rosie's blog ...)


“You can support the troops but not the president.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

“Well, I just think it’s a bad idea. What’s going to happen is they’re
going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years.”
–Joe Scarborough (R-FL)

“Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may
come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their
life?”
–Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99

“[The] President . . . is once again releasing American military might
on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit
strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will
cost. And he has not informed our nation’s armed forces about how long
they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound
foreign policy.”
–Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)

“American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the
administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign
policy.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

“If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they
have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy.”
–Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W Bush

“I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning . . I
didn’t think we had done enough in the diplomatic area.”
–Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)

“I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it
is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just
learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with
very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later,
these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of
engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition
of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is
no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our
over-extended military. There is no explanation defining what vital
national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war
when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan
today”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)

“Victory means exit strategy, and it’s important for the President to
explain to us what the exit strategy is.”
–Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)

Funny thing is, we ended that war without a single American killed in action.

PEACE OUT

1833

( Thanks, Goofymabel * )





Sometimes I am taken a bit by surprise when I check the casualty count before logging in to this blog. The numbers are simply astonishing. I wonder where the absolute outrage is ? 1833 young men and women DEAD while the news reports of GW taking a five week vacation. Gas prices so high that I have to work most of the first day of my week just to pay for the gas to get me TO work. A "flat" economy, drilling in the Alaska wilderness, more corruption and secrecy than EVER before in our history. Where is the absolute outrage ? Many who call themselves good Christian people profess love and support for this president. C'mon ... would Jesus REALLY be a Republican ?

On a different note, life is again settling down to the dull hum of normalcy. And trust me when I say I am not complaining as I write that. A whirlwind of a trip to the Midwest, a " scare " with my Mom on my return, and a week back at work that has reminded me all of what I love and hate about the place... Normal is welcome.

My Mom went into the hospital a week ago today. Pain, nausea, sweating ...it took three days to rule out a heart issue and let her return home. I'm grateful they took their time. I'm grateful for the great care. I know that today she is feeling happy to be back to " normal " too ...

Life really IS short. It's so hard to know what should perpetually be at the TOP of our list. Should it be Loyalty ? Love ? Family ? Friendship ? Adventure ? Risk is what gets the blood pumping. Adventure is what keeps it banging out hard against the cavity. FEAR is what usually wins out. Why is that ? Why is FEAR so damn powerful ? Right-brain, left-brain ... logic, curiousity ... I don't understand the battle. I can see it plain as day. I could debate it, for the sake of a good conversation, but I DO NOT understand it. It's like a computer you spend hours programming, and with the flip of a switch it reverts back to the default settings. And CAUTION and FEAR are default settings. And sometimes I swear I wish I could wipe the hard drive completely clean ...

And start over.

I'd program just the right combination of risk and adventure; security and rational thought. Take the LESSONS I learned from those no longer in my world, and the comfort and satisfaction I get from those very much in my world ; Take what I know NOW and mix it with what I learned THEN, and maybe begin from there. A new beginning ...

A peaceful, respectful, lovely new beginning ...

SWINGIN'

A real tree swing !! Too much fun !!

1788

We have returned to the Emerald City ( well, Auburn ) .

What a whirlwind trip it was to Wisconsin. I was worried about flying into Chicago and then driving, but as it turned out it was rather nice. Just two hours from airport to hotel. We thought we'd go " on the cheap " and just book a room for six nights at Motel 6. What a mistake that was ! After we checked in I wouldn't even let Kelly unpack ! I knew I couldn't stay. Two guys leering at us over the railing, drinking their cans of beer as we drug our things to the room. Bottom floor, drapes that wouldn't hardly close all the way, a " prickly water " shower, a corroded ice maker in the vending area ( that didn't work anyway ) , no extra towels, no extra pillows ... I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat. It felt unsafe and it had no sense of comfort whatsoever. This is our summer vacation for pete's sake !

So, we moved. To the Hampton Inn. Beautiful place. Indoor huge pool, great free breakfast, a USA TODAY sitting at our door every morning, free wireless access, a massager shower head, all the towels and pillows we could want ! Mostly, a third floor room and five good nights of sleep !

Wisconsin was beautiful ! Kelly's family has built a HUGE log home in a rural part of the state. It is just gorgeous. Everything from the beautiful wood floors, towering ceiling, solid log beams, SIX acres of untouched land and a great tree swing ! ( TWO, actually ! ) Her three nieces are just precious , and her new baby nephew is adorable. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other and had some wonderful days out in the world. Hit the Waukesha County Fair, an organic farm, Cool Waters water park, and of course a day of swimming in our indoor pool when it was a sweltering 98* outside.

Sometimes I think I could easily live in the country. No traffic, friendly folks and a real sense of being away from the hustle and bustle. But in reality, I'd miss my world. I'd miss the movement. As much as I hate all the commuting, I'd miss the sense of community I have being a part of a city. There's something appealing about the " other side " but I think I'm an urbanite in my bones, and I will continue to appreciate the opportunities I have to " get away from it all " .

I'm still off for a few more days. I caught a nasty cold on our last day there and had a rather miserable day of travel yesterday, but I am ready to get back into the real world today. There is lawn to be mowed, mail to be picked up, and unpacking and settling back in to do.

There's no place like Home *

1774

Just a little glimpse of our trip to Wisconsin. In fact, it is a really beautiful part of the country. Lots of wide open space, not so many cars, and very friendly folks. We went to The Waukesha County Fair yesterday with Kelly's two oldest nieces ( 5 and 8 ) We all had a blast !! An organic farm was the destination the day before. More later.

Pools, Sunshine and a day off !!

1755

Ahhh...

it occurred to me today that the world is ready for some phenomenal good .

We are survivors by nature. We've survived wars and disasters and pure evil. I think it's time to tip the scales a bit in favor of phenomenal good . Imagine ... A day where no one died at the hand of another. A day where those who were hungry had enough to eat. A day where those who were sick were made well again. A day where we could really SEE one another as the fragile, unique beings that we are. Impossible ? Probably. But wouldn't it be nice ... to " survive " some phenomenal good ?

It also occurred to me today what a loud, thunderous place this world would be if our thoughts had a volume. I know how busy my braen can be and how rambunctious my wandering mind can get. I know I have an ongoing dialogue all day. Can you imagine if we could actually HEAR, not only our own thoughts, but EVERYONE'S thoughts ...

Probably sound a bit like 7th grade band where you played musical chairs with instruments. A lot of noise, but not a lot of substance. I imagine the world would be like that. A lot of noise, not a lot of substance. In fact, it would be a lot like it is now, only LOUDER ...

( Just the whole idea of our thoughts being " out loud "
... boy, that could get embarrassing, huh ? )

I'm exhausted. It has been a long Monday ... and you don't even want to know what I'm REALLY thinking about it all ...

Unimaginable, really

From behind
Originally uploaded by Nicholas Shanks.

Cinque Terre ITALY

Cinque Terra, ITALY
Originally uploaded by BRAEN.

Just one place ...

...of the " oh-so-many " I want to visit. I don't always think " beach " when I think of ITALY, but I do think of rugged, natural magnificence ! Imagine just taking it all in from the ledge here in the foreground ...

Ahhhhhhhhh....

1748

It's quiet here this morning.

No pounding, thundering rain. No left-over fireworks exploding. No whistles off in the distance from the train. Not even a meow out of Snippy. Nice, these days. Aside from my new determination to quit my " day job " I have also decided to start planning for our trip to Italy. Kelly says 2007, but I say late next summer. Two weeks ... Venice, Milan, Rome, Tuscany ... the names just fall so easily off the lips. I have a lot of homework to do before we take a trip of that magnitude. Where to stay, what to see ... how to save enough money to fully enjoy the trip. Hawaii, last November was our " test-run " . Now, we KNOW we can make it a reality if we plan well.

As for the " OTHER " plan ...

We are still trying to find an afternoon where we can both go and talk to the printer that was recommended to us. I need about six good designs, a little cash and a lot of good energy. The initial investment will probably be the hardest part. Then it's just a matter of selling to stores and hopefully a certain catalog I have in mind. I have pretty high expectations for myself with regard to reproducing my cards. They really have to be good, or I'll never really be able to release them into the world with the kind of confidence I'll need. Nothing less than perfect will do .

In my mind, I am modeling my business after a few people I greatly admire. There is absolutely no reason why I can't get THERE from HERE. Send as much good energy as you can spare ...I will take it all lovingly in, and go along my way ...

1744

Sometimes snakes can't slough. They can't burst their old skin. Then they go sick and die inside the old skin, and nobody ever sees the new pattern. It needs a real desperate recklessness to burst your old skin at last. You simply don't care what happens to you, if you rip yourself in two, so long as you do get out.

- D.H. Lawrence


( Ever feel like it's now or never ? )

1744

Things have certainly improved. Dad is home and well. He looks great, and he's anxious to get out and cut the grass. A good sign, to be sure. Good to know it was a good natured " poke in the ribs " to get him to be mindful again of his health ... the fragile nature of this thing called life.

George spoke tonight ( speaking of the fragile nature of life ) . The casualty count is rising like mercury on a hot day, and STILL he tries to tell us how progress is being made ... how we are there for some " greater purpose " ... that the lives this war have cost are somehow worth it. Tell that to the kids without parents, the men and woman without spouses and partners. Tell that to the face of a mother who just lost a child to this insanity you continue to rationalize as some kind of war. Worth it ? At what cost ? Actually, at WHOSE cost ? George keeps opposing an increase in the minimum wage ( to make it a " livable wage " )because if he supported it, it would even more greatly reduce the number signing up for the military. It isn't " duty to country " that causes them to sign on the line ... it's duty to their families. If they could support their families HERE they would never sign up to fight George's war ANYWHERE ELSE. Remember THAT, in the next election. Elect people who REALLY support working families. Keep families together, and give people living wages !

Aside from George, who makes my blood boil ... life is busy and good.

We are looking for a new pup. We are also clear that we have the luxury of time to look, and are fully aware that often a puppy CHOOSES YOU, you do not choose it. I guess the Universe now knows we're ready...check out a couple we met this past weekend in my flickr pics. If anyone knows anything about breeders, let me know what you think of a ' less than clean ' garage filled with cages for the dogs ... and 16 ( yes, SIXTEEN ) puppies ! Is that normal ? I envision getting a pup from a breeder who has one litter available, and puppies that are " part of the family " . I'm new to this. If you know more than I do, or know someone who does, please pass along my email ! It's available at the link to my website in the LINKS section. Thanks !

1728

Some days are harder than others.

I don't mean to oversimplify, but it's sure apparent . I'd call today a hard day. Yesterday, as my folks and brother and sister-in-law were ready to return from a few days in Vegas, my Dad experienced all the symptoms of a heart attack. They were on the runway, and turned the plane around to bring him back to the terminal. As of just a few hours ago, he was still in ER waiting to be admitted. A phone call a half hour ago had me hearing his voice from the comfort of a hospital room ( finally ) . Thank God.

He's had two attacks. Both within the past seven or so years ( I think ) . Each " incident " gets a little scarier. It's not because he's unhealthy or old. It gets scarier just because as I get older I have a better sense of how fragile we are. Not just outside, though the knees and back fight to be loudest some mornings. No, it's more about the fragile inner workings. I sense it in myself sometimes. I'm only 43, but I sometimes consider my own mortality.

We're not meant to live forever. Yeah, yeah ... I know that's obvious, but what I really mean is that we all have a beginning, a middle and an end. ( Of THIS lifetime, anyway. ) Sometimes I can feel my lungs working harder ... I can sense my heart working a bit harder. One night I even woke up in such great pain I thought I might burst. I know I am like the seasons, and I have no idea where I am at this particular point in time. We never really know. We could feel like we're in the midst of a beautiful spring, when in reality, winter is lurking right around the corner. And winter is when things die, readying themselves for a rebirth of sorts.

Today was hard because life and death keep this delicate balance. And at times we can sense ourselves and things around us teetering on the edge . What made today hard was that edge. It seemed a little close ... but that's where life is the most exciting too ...such a trade-off.

Update : Angiogram tomorrow AM. I'll know more then.

1718

Another day of random thoughts.

Earlier this week I was talking to someone about concentration, and how my external world affects my ability to focus. We aren't all the same. Personally I need a means of occupying my " monkey brain " or it will run rampant in my head. The worst thing I can do is to try to sleep or concentrate when I have a lot on my mind. I MUST have music or the drone of TV in order to occupy that part of my head. Once that part is engaged, the other parts are free to do the business at hand. I can be completely focused with music BLARING! Any kind of noise will do. Running water is a good one, though not terribly practical here at home.

Same with sitting down to write. I get going too fast if the monkey brain is loose ( Let's just give the monkey a name. It seems wrong not to call it what it is ... how about BUBBLES ... oh wait, I think that one is taken ... how about Basil. Yes, Basil ) . What I need to focus is the free flow of ideas. Basil likes structure. The rest of me hates it. The rest of me likes spontaneity.

I am a prolific writer. I always have been. I don't always bang out extraordinary stuff, but sometimes the REAL quality of what I am trying to say is lurking somewhere and it just takes a good eye and ear to catch it. It might be tucked away with some boring crap like tonight's entry. But once in awhile there's a little nugget of undeniable truth that slips out , and those are the kinds of moments I live for.

I've met fascinating people online through words. I have experienced a greater range of emotions in the ether, than I may have ever experienced in real life. I have made friends and found lovers, and online was where I met Kelly. Our written words were our beginning. She wrote me a letter a day and stole my heart. It actually didn't take long before we spoke daily on the phone. It was those written missives in the beginning that cemented our future. But there came a time when I needed those written words to be whispers . I needed to be with her. In real time, real space. I remember wanting five minutes, just five minutes . It would be enough time to commit to memory the map I would make of her body with my hands. I still remember running my hands across her face, the slope of her nose, the small of her back ... I still remember it to this day. I took five minutes. I shut everything else out ( even Basil ) and filed the memory of those moments in a safe place. Five minutes. It's taken longer to write about it. And tomorrow I will remember THOSE moments far more clearly than these.

Everything I do or say or attempt, changes me. Sometimes I suffocate my thoughts with too many words. Sometimes I don't say enough. I don't always know where my current barometer is set. Tonight I don't know. I am just giving in to a stream of consciousness and hoping the trip is eventful and the landscape is nice when I arrive.

My art has been changing these past few years. I used to create art out of nails and screws and bolts. Now it is mostly paper. I wonder what that says about me ? I don't know that it's really about becoming anyone other than who I am so much as it's about going deeper into myself. I think maybe I'm finding some softness beneath some jagged edges. I guess the goal would be to get to the core. I wonder what I'll find there ? I feel like I've been through the hot, molten years . And I've been through the rugged layers of growing up. I don't know what lies ahead ... but I really should focus ... pay attention... remain open...

I think I need some music ...

1703

Today was just plain busy. Work was a frantic example of too much work in not enough time. And my job isn't the kind of job where you set your own limits and allow for some flexibility. Nope. There is A TASK. It is delivering mail. ALL the mail that day, period. And today was the kind of day where I feel like they don't really know what I'm worth to them.

Deep breath.

As I was driving home I felt my whole body relax, brain and all. I started thinking about how many people are in the world. Even just how many are in my world. Then I started thinking about the people just in my own line of vision. The city where I work is fairly affluent. Lots of big SUV's, designer clothes and shops that only a wealthy person could actually shop at. I have a horrible habit of comparing my insides to other people's outsides. It's hard to be around these people sometimes. I get to thinking I should drive a better car, have a better job, wear better clothes and just " look better ". I drive a nice economical Honda Civic. I work a blue-collar job, and I prefer loose-fitting jeans and a t-shirt to any fancy " label " stuff. I don't think I'm an unattractive person ( I mean, I don't think people feel tempted to look away because they can't stand to look at me ) but I look like I've lived 43 years. My hair has a little white coming in with the blond. I'm certainly not as firm in places as I'd like to be, and I have bags under my eyes most days. The bad days are the ones I feel like I should "be" someone or something, else.

Today was not one of those days.

Today, or rather this evening, I was very aware of everyone in my view. I wasn't looking to COMPARE myself with any of them, but I did take note of the more obvious things that can be seen as differences. Maybe I was exhausted and my rational self was taking a little nap. But in those moments I felt connected to people. I felt compassion for the lady who walks with a serious limp. I felt something for the old people and for the younger ones, but I can't really put my finger on what it was. I just felt connected. And it was like this thread that runs through us all was exposed for a minute. And I could see how amazing it is to be alive.

Deep breath.

A full day. Just the way they should be. Full. Alert. Authentic.

On a different note : I was glad to see justice done today. I personally don't see Michael Jackson as a criminal. And I don't think I'm a bad person for saying so. People seem to think that unless you see him as guilty, then you don't care enough about kids. BS. I care about kids. I also trust that 12 people who came to a unanimous decision regarding his innocence probably saw and heard things I never did. And I trust that the fiber, the thread that runs through us all touched THEM today too. And they had to do as Marcus Aurelius said : Look things in the face and know them for what they are ... I hope Michael Jackson gets the kind of help he needs. It will have been such a waste if something positive can't come out of this.

1698

Conspiracy theory day on Braen's blog.

I spent almost an entire lunch yesterday sharing my theory about this Administration. ( My mother was the unlucky lunch partner ) What we talked about was basically this : If it looks like the Republicans will not win the election in 2008, there simply won't BE an election in 2008. How do I figure ? Well, I'm glad you asked ...

This Administration, and I almost hate to call it the Republican Party anymore , has created four cornerstones that will virtually insure that they will remain in power. And POWER is what it's ALL about.

First, the media. They have censored the voices we used to rely on for information. How many images of what is REALLY happening in IRAQ have you seen ? I've seen virtually none, unless I venture out into the world of blogs to find them. Mainstream media has been silenced. You've seen it at CBS and you've seen it at NEWSWEEK ( two very well known examples ) , but it's happened everywhere. Unfortunately, what you see these days is only what they want you to see.

Second, the " terror alert " system. It's a not-so-subtle way of " reminding " us how afraid we are. Or how afraid they need us to be. Not because there is an imminent threat, but because we are much more pliable as a people when we are in our fear. They are using fear to manipulate us into believing that they are somehow keeping us safe. I don't feel safer. I can't help but remember how it was eight years between attacks on the WTC. This Administration is " rolling the dice " with our security. If someone wishes to harm us, they will. My only real fear is that " the terrorists " are probably feeling a little more empowered these days. But bottom line is this : even evil takes time. We aren't " safer " because W says we are ... we have that illusion, because evil takes time and so far we have been lucky.

Third, the " Patriot Act " . What a disaster that is. They are trying to eliminate the critics and lock up the dissenters. In reality, we don't KNOW what those " enemy combatants " know. Maybe they aren't locked up because they are a threat in the way we've been led to believe. Maybe what they threaten, is the " plan " . Bottom line, all of us are eligible to be silenced. They can talk about freedom and liberty all they want, but we know that at any time we can be spied on and subjected to great invasion of privacy. Four years ago there really WAS free speech. There really WAS freedom of the press.

Fourth, the courts. There's a reason they are fighting so hard for these nominees. And it ain't about abortion or gay marriage. It's about handing them another election, or siding with them if they should choose to eliminate elections altogether. Do we really believe it's not possible ? Stacking the courts will perpetuate the " illusion " that what is happening is not only necessary, but somehow " legal " . It will further manipulate the masses. They only support a side in these hot-button debates as distraction. Trust me, abortion and gay marriage are not going to be what drives us into the ground. What will ultimately be our undoing, will be our own ignorance. Our own apathy.

So, picture the scenario like this : McCain VS Clinton in 2008. It's looking like Clinton will win by a landslide. And it's only September. The Administration panics because there is no way they can afford to lose their grip on power. Suddenly a new " story " surfaces about Clinton and it is outrageous, but is allowed to run on " network TV " . At the same time, there are " serious threats " and the terror alert goes to ORANGE. There are reports of " terror cells " in CA, WA, NY and now Florida. People are being taken from their homes, their jobs, their places of worship and locked up. The Senate and House ( both Republican controlled ) attempt to pass legislation that would create contingency plans for the election if the country is attacked or the threat becomes greater. The ( stacked ) courts have indicated through a series of lesser challenges to election protections, that they support the legislation . There is a stunning silence from those who usually dissent, because no one has seen them for weeks, and no one is allowed to report " suspicions ", only FACTS. And the Administration determines what FACTS we need to know. And the location of those individuals are not the FACTS we need to know.

So, early in November, the terror threat is " severe " The color rises from Orange to RED. The election is cancelled, Hillary disappears, the states are on a virtual " lockdown " and the reports coming over the networks is strictly propaganda. Think it can't happen ? Think it could never happen here ? Think again. Or at the very least .... just THINK. Think for yourself. Think about what's happening versus what's being " said " is happening. What's REAL in your world. Feel safer ? Feel free ? Feel like you can trust your government ? THINK.

Okay, so that's the conspiracy theory of the day.

It's not really so fictional ...

1686

A day off again.

I tried sleeping in, but I kept having the same haunting dream. I dreamt I was out delivering mail and my route had been changed. A LOT. There were changes in landscape, addresses, locations of boxes ... it was crazy. I had a full truck of mail and I was totally lost trying to deliver it. I was in an office park and I could see my car parked in one of the stalls. It made me panic even more in my dream, because if I were to continue trying to deliver my route, I would not be able to leave once I got back to the office. Kelly told me she thought it was a sign ... a sign that I had an " out " . That my postal dilemma has a solution, and that it is to walk away from what seems so impossible and confusing. A bold step. Perhaps a very bold dream ...

We saw Barbara DeAngelis earlier this week. She is a fascinating person to listen to. She's written many books on love and relationship, one of which Kelly and I used as our " guide " in proceeding with our rather non-traditional beginning. Now, DeAngelis is talking about something new. She's talking about transforming our lives and really getting clear about what our dreams are, and what is standing in the way. She has an interesting way of making her points in a very visual kind of way. She describes a Chinese vaudeville act where someone is trying to manage a series of spinning plates. Picture this: A series of poles a short distance apart. You take a plate and get it spinning on the pole, then proceed to the next plate. Once you have all the plates spinning, it is largely about keeping them moving. As momentum decreases, the plates begin to wobble and fall. Some even fall before we can reach them. She describes our lives like that. We are constantly trying to keep our " plates " spinning.

I have a lot of plates. My job, my family, my relationships, my pets, my art ( not in any specific order ). I am endlessly trying to keep some balance. I think this all feeds into my question of " settling " . I always use to frame it by way of relationships. I think my " settling " is really about my job. I am constantly trying to find the good in it ( and there certainly IS some ) and constantly rationalizing staying. What I really want to do is ART. I'm an artist. I have found a niche and people love what I create. I crave the time to really nurture that part of me. Maybe I should let that job " plate " fall and crack. Then I could replace it with a new " plate " ...

So, I'll read the book. I'll take some baby steps. I'll keep believing I can do it. I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT !

I'll return later this weekend. I have much on my mind. Right now I want to enjoy the sun while it's making an appearance. The weatherman keeps calling for rain, but it looks like beautiful blue skies to me ...

1668

How on earth does it happen that I hardly so much as blink, and the death toll climbs in IRAQ ?
I continue to pray for a miracle. And for peace. Though it would seem they are really one in the same.

Today is a lazy one. I've been tweaking all my ebay items and going through boxes of things I once considered irreplaceable. Things change. Perceptions, perspectives, priorities, value ... everything shifts in the face of passing time. I used to strike up conversation with folks about " settling " . I used to ask everyone who didn't shut me down, if they believed that people " settle " . You know, really give up on their own dreams. Or at the very least, lower their expectations. I used to believe people who said they " settled " were weak. Now I believe I see it for what it is.

" The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second, is to look things in the face and know them for what they are ... " - MARCUS AURELIUS

Once I really looked inside myself for the answer to that question, I decided that, for me, what has happened is that my priorities shifted. I have never " settled " . The things that are crucial for my survival will always be accommodated in my world, but some things slid a little further down the list. You know, once I hit thirty I had to acknowledge that I wouldn't be rich . Of course, by the time I hit thirty I was beginning to understand a bit better about what was truly " valuable " to me. And it wasn't large sums of money or the pursuit of it. Other things have moved down my list too. I used to want to have a baby, and now that window is slowly closing. It doesn't mean I have given up on wanting a child, just that it won't be a child I bear. Priorities change. It is an inevitable part of growing. If my goals and dreams had never changed, I'd be more concerned for myself. I guess I measure my own success in life by how well I adjust to my circumstances.

A good friend wrote yesterday about treasuring the normal days. Really, it was a message about not taking any of our days for granted. We don't know what lurks around the bend. I used to have this " theory " of the Universe. Picture this : The world is round, and as it rotates, ever so slowly, we rotate with it. Sometimes we are climbing ( can you picture it ? ) and sometimes we are on the other side, and slowly descending. I used to think I could feel every shift. Recognize the angle with which my life was either rising or falling. My Mom thought I was a kook. But to some degree, it helps me to picture it sometimes. It helps me understand why sometimes I feel like I'm invincible and other times, I feel like I've just plunged off into some black abyss. It's not so much, for me, about God intervening, as it the Universe just turning on its axis as it's meant to. And I am meant only to follow. My ability to " look things in the face and see them for what they are " is what guides me. What guides me AND comforts me.

Blah, blah, blah .

So, today is just about thinking and reminiscing about the past. My ebay adventure is all about trading treasures. I sell things that I know were worthy of saving, because someone will be looking for them. And I will seek " things " that help me remember times and moments I forgot to somehow commemorate. I have been on a mission to find things from The Normal Heart play. I saw the production of it in Seattle ( years ago ), but have been collecting items from all over. It was a significant play at a significant time in my life. And I have willingly given a few Sundays in honor of it's trinkets and playbills.

Enough for now. Enjoying kd lang's hymns of the 49th parallel... thanks, Rosie *

1657

A day off ... ahhhh.
My beloved PostcardX Forum is down for upgrading, so I'll be forced to actually WRITE today. A day full of letters. Not all bad. I still have a lingering sore throat, but I don't think it's too serious. Nothing a day by the fireplace won't cure ;)
I love days off from the P.O . Don't get me wrong, for the most part it's a good job and I'm not ungrateful. But there is a kind of insanity in the office that recreates itself every morning . Let's start with the system of management. Picture this : Fifty grown people being " monitored " on everything from talking, to bathroom visits. We have been asked to remove personal items from our workspace ( including snapshots of our families ) , are not allowed to have our cell phones in our possession on the floor, and must limit our conversation to postal-related business. It feels a little like kindergarten. All we need now are the small scraps of rug for our afternoon nap, and we'll be good to go.

The P.O likes to stress safety, but it's really a low priority when it bumps up against the need to " make the numbers " . They SAY be safe, but what they MEAN is HURRY . You can't always do both. There are so many variables during a day it is impossible to predict EXACTLY how long any given day will actually be out on the street. Yet every morning, we're asked to make a commitment, based on our best guess. So, here's an average day : I come in at 7:30 and I have buckets filled with flat mail ( large envelopes, catalogs, magazines, etc ...) and trays, filled with letters. My job is to " guess " how long it will take me to sort what I see on the floor into my case, and how long it will take me to deliver my route on the street. But here's the impossible part. Out on the dock, there are " presorted " trays of letters that I am expected to take directly to the street, and deliver along with the mail I've sorted in the office. But I don't get to SEE that mail, I'm expected to " guess " how much, and what type of mail is actually IN that mix. I also get what we call ACCOUNTABLE mail. Mail that requires a signature or payment for delivery. I deliver mostly to business addresses, so this can be a big factor some days. I'll get anywhere from three pieces to twenty pieces of this kind of mail a day. But again, when they come around and ask for my " commitment " I have no idea how much of this mail I will have. Each piece requires that a form be filled out in the office, and also that I track down a person on the street to actually sign for the mail. Both take time. Neither are truly accounted for unless I can " guess " correctly.

So, here's how it usually goes : I can get a good estimate of how long it will take to sort the mail I have in front of me. I glance at my parcels for the day ( another factor on the street ) and I build in whatever time I " guess " to be accurate about what I may encounter in all of the mail I don't see. Chances are, I will be " guessing " a time that does not match their computer generated time, and so at that point, the fight is on ! I work for an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. He comes around and argues with me about my time most every day. At that point, once he has engaged me, I remind him that I am " guessing " based on what I see AND what I don't see. I challenge him to do a better job. I suggest he enter ALL the information into his computer, and THEN see what it spits out. It's a stupid battle that we have every day. At one point, I posted a small note at my case that read GIGO. He " ordered " me to remove it once he realized what it stood for. It means simply " Garbage IN, Garbage OUT " . If you don't plug the correct info IN you are unlikely to get accurate info OUT. Simple, right ? I would think he would agree, but instead he attempts to intimidate me into going along with a time that was generated by his computer about how long my route should take. If intimidation doesn't work ( which it doesn't anymore ) he resorts to harassment. It is tiring. It is drudgery. It is an insult to me.

But for all my bitching this morning, I have good news ! The son-of-a-bitch is leaving. On June 10th, he will be gone to take his version of " management " somewhere else. Good riddance. I think he expects a party. He should know that one IS being planned ... the day AFTER he leaves. Then we can look forward to the next tyrant. The P.O is a crazy place. It's full of arrogant, uninspired, soulless people at the top. The rest of us plod along, fight the little battles, and most importantly we serve our customers in spite of it all. I think most of my customers respect what I do, appreciate the attention paid to detail and genuinely like me. For that I'm eternally grateful. For THAT, I keep going. I ram on ...

1655

1655

It is already Monday on this long weekend. Mostly it has been a very fitting welcome to summer. Friday and Saturday saw some very warm weather and lots of sun. Yesterday and today are a bit more subdued, but it seems appropriate somehow . We saw a wonderful German movie at SIFF yesterday. It was called Sergeant Pepper. It was about a six year old boy who wore a tiger costume ( very Tiggerish )... and a talking dog. It was brilliant, and the characters were all likeable and seemed to be born for the roles they played. I'd highly recommend it if you should get a chance to see it. It is billed as a family show, but it is sub-titled, and if your child reads well enough they will see many DAMN and Goddamn's on the screen. All in all, the best film I've seen this year.

W also hit the bookstore after a great breakfast. Breakfast was at The Sunlight Cafe, probably the first vegetarian restaurant in Seattle. Good service, great food ! The bookstore yielded a great find ! I found a copy of John Cage and Lois Long's book MUD PIES. Months ago, I paid forty five dollars for a lesser quality copy on ebay. The one I found yesterday was in great condition and was exactly $2.98. GREAT deal ! Kelly found some computer books which I am sure are a great value, but interest me not in the least. We both had a good bookstore experience.

Today is The Pike Place Market Street Fair. It's such a charming place and I love going down there. It is colorful, both with people and produce. It seems there is always some new experience to be had. The last time we went, we visited the " gum wall " . If you haven't seen it, you're missing a cool part of the Market experience. Once I figure out how to drop a picture or two in here, I'll try to put some in. Until then, trust that the experience was as good as always. We met up with a friend of mine who is dating a new woman. I can't hardly imagine being back out in the " dating pool " again. It all seems so hard somehow. These two, my friend and her date, seem to be a good fit so far. But it's early. There's been only that " good behavior " kind of being together. I always used to dread the first crisis or challenge. Everything you believed to be true about someone could crumble before your eyes. THAT is the kind of stuff I don't miss. I watched people hit animals, drink to stupidity, and worse things. Thank God those moments came before any real commitment was made. I lucked out with Kelly. We had a helluva first year, but it just served to make us stronger. It also helped me see through a few " friends " and for that, I am extremely grateful. I don't see myself as a weak or naive person, but sometimes the truth of a thing has to hit me like a brick before I really " get it " . Anyways . I look forward to watching things progress, or do what they will, with my friend. I will be glad it's not me, but I will hope for her nothing but good things.

I feel sick tonight. My chest is heavy, my head is stuffy and I'm actually considering an early bedtime. Not sure where this came from ... although it could just be that POSTAL allergy I have ... I'll write about THAT, next time ...