1744

Sometimes snakes can't slough. They can't burst their old skin. Then they go sick and die inside the old skin, and nobody ever sees the new pattern. It needs a real desperate recklessness to burst your old skin at last. You simply don't care what happens to you, if you rip yourself in two, so long as you do get out.

- D.H. Lawrence


( Ever feel like it's now or never ? )

1744

Things have certainly improved. Dad is home and well. He looks great, and he's anxious to get out and cut the grass. A good sign, to be sure. Good to know it was a good natured " poke in the ribs " to get him to be mindful again of his health ... the fragile nature of this thing called life.

George spoke tonight ( speaking of the fragile nature of life ) . The casualty count is rising like mercury on a hot day, and STILL he tries to tell us how progress is being made ... how we are there for some " greater purpose " ... that the lives this war have cost are somehow worth it. Tell that to the kids without parents, the men and woman without spouses and partners. Tell that to the face of a mother who just lost a child to this insanity you continue to rationalize as some kind of war. Worth it ? At what cost ? Actually, at WHOSE cost ? George keeps opposing an increase in the minimum wage ( to make it a " livable wage " )because if he supported it, it would even more greatly reduce the number signing up for the military. It isn't " duty to country " that causes them to sign on the line ... it's duty to their families. If they could support their families HERE they would never sign up to fight George's war ANYWHERE ELSE. Remember THAT, in the next election. Elect people who REALLY support working families. Keep families together, and give people living wages !

Aside from George, who makes my blood boil ... life is busy and good.

We are looking for a new pup. We are also clear that we have the luxury of time to look, and are fully aware that often a puppy CHOOSES YOU, you do not choose it. I guess the Universe now knows we're ready...check out a couple we met this past weekend in my flickr pics. If anyone knows anything about breeders, let me know what you think of a ' less than clean ' garage filled with cages for the dogs ... and 16 ( yes, SIXTEEN ) puppies ! Is that normal ? I envision getting a pup from a breeder who has one litter available, and puppies that are " part of the family " . I'm new to this. If you know more than I do, or know someone who does, please pass along my email ! It's available at the link to my website in the LINKS section. Thanks !

1728

Some days are harder than others.

I don't mean to oversimplify, but it's sure apparent . I'd call today a hard day. Yesterday, as my folks and brother and sister-in-law were ready to return from a few days in Vegas, my Dad experienced all the symptoms of a heart attack. They were on the runway, and turned the plane around to bring him back to the terminal. As of just a few hours ago, he was still in ER waiting to be admitted. A phone call a half hour ago had me hearing his voice from the comfort of a hospital room ( finally ) . Thank God.

He's had two attacks. Both within the past seven or so years ( I think ) . Each " incident " gets a little scarier. It's not because he's unhealthy or old. It gets scarier just because as I get older I have a better sense of how fragile we are. Not just outside, though the knees and back fight to be loudest some mornings. No, it's more about the fragile inner workings. I sense it in myself sometimes. I'm only 43, but I sometimes consider my own mortality.

We're not meant to live forever. Yeah, yeah ... I know that's obvious, but what I really mean is that we all have a beginning, a middle and an end. ( Of THIS lifetime, anyway. ) Sometimes I can feel my lungs working harder ... I can sense my heart working a bit harder. One night I even woke up in such great pain I thought I might burst. I know I am like the seasons, and I have no idea where I am at this particular point in time. We never really know. We could feel like we're in the midst of a beautiful spring, when in reality, winter is lurking right around the corner. And winter is when things die, readying themselves for a rebirth of sorts.

Today was hard because life and death keep this delicate balance. And at times we can sense ourselves and things around us teetering on the edge . What made today hard was that edge. It seemed a little close ... but that's where life is the most exciting too ...such a trade-off.

Update : Angiogram tomorrow AM. I'll know more then.

1718

Another day of random thoughts.

Earlier this week I was talking to someone about concentration, and how my external world affects my ability to focus. We aren't all the same. Personally I need a means of occupying my " monkey brain " or it will run rampant in my head. The worst thing I can do is to try to sleep or concentrate when I have a lot on my mind. I MUST have music or the drone of TV in order to occupy that part of my head. Once that part is engaged, the other parts are free to do the business at hand. I can be completely focused with music BLARING! Any kind of noise will do. Running water is a good one, though not terribly practical here at home.

Same with sitting down to write. I get going too fast if the monkey brain is loose ( Let's just give the monkey a name. It seems wrong not to call it what it is ... how about BUBBLES ... oh wait, I think that one is taken ... how about Basil. Yes, Basil ) . What I need to focus is the free flow of ideas. Basil likes structure. The rest of me hates it. The rest of me likes spontaneity.

I am a prolific writer. I always have been. I don't always bang out extraordinary stuff, but sometimes the REAL quality of what I am trying to say is lurking somewhere and it just takes a good eye and ear to catch it. It might be tucked away with some boring crap like tonight's entry. But once in awhile there's a little nugget of undeniable truth that slips out , and those are the kinds of moments I live for.

I've met fascinating people online through words. I have experienced a greater range of emotions in the ether, than I may have ever experienced in real life. I have made friends and found lovers, and online was where I met Kelly. Our written words were our beginning. She wrote me a letter a day and stole my heart. It actually didn't take long before we spoke daily on the phone. It was those written missives in the beginning that cemented our future. But there came a time when I needed those written words to be whispers . I needed to be with her. In real time, real space. I remember wanting five minutes, just five minutes . It would be enough time to commit to memory the map I would make of her body with my hands. I still remember running my hands across her face, the slope of her nose, the small of her back ... I still remember it to this day. I took five minutes. I shut everything else out ( even Basil ) and filed the memory of those moments in a safe place. Five minutes. It's taken longer to write about it. And tomorrow I will remember THOSE moments far more clearly than these.

Everything I do or say or attempt, changes me. Sometimes I suffocate my thoughts with too many words. Sometimes I don't say enough. I don't always know where my current barometer is set. Tonight I don't know. I am just giving in to a stream of consciousness and hoping the trip is eventful and the landscape is nice when I arrive.

My art has been changing these past few years. I used to create art out of nails and screws and bolts. Now it is mostly paper. I wonder what that says about me ? I don't know that it's really about becoming anyone other than who I am so much as it's about going deeper into myself. I think maybe I'm finding some softness beneath some jagged edges. I guess the goal would be to get to the core. I wonder what I'll find there ? I feel like I've been through the hot, molten years . And I've been through the rugged layers of growing up. I don't know what lies ahead ... but I really should focus ... pay attention... remain open...

I think I need some music ...

1703

Today was just plain busy. Work was a frantic example of too much work in not enough time. And my job isn't the kind of job where you set your own limits and allow for some flexibility. Nope. There is A TASK. It is delivering mail. ALL the mail that day, period. And today was the kind of day where I feel like they don't really know what I'm worth to them.

Deep breath.

As I was driving home I felt my whole body relax, brain and all. I started thinking about how many people are in the world. Even just how many are in my world. Then I started thinking about the people just in my own line of vision. The city where I work is fairly affluent. Lots of big SUV's, designer clothes and shops that only a wealthy person could actually shop at. I have a horrible habit of comparing my insides to other people's outsides. It's hard to be around these people sometimes. I get to thinking I should drive a better car, have a better job, wear better clothes and just " look better ". I drive a nice economical Honda Civic. I work a blue-collar job, and I prefer loose-fitting jeans and a t-shirt to any fancy " label " stuff. I don't think I'm an unattractive person ( I mean, I don't think people feel tempted to look away because they can't stand to look at me ) but I look like I've lived 43 years. My hair has a little white coming in with the blond. I'm certainly not as firm in places as I'd like to be, and I have bags under my eyes most days. The bad days are the ones I feel like I should "be" someone or something, else.

Today was not one of those days.

Today, or rather this evening, I was very aware of everyone in my view. I wasn't looking to COMPARE myself with any of them, but I did take note of the more obvious things that can be seen as differences. Maybe I was exhausted and my rational self was taking a little nap. But in those moments I felt connected to people. I felt compassion for the lady who walks with a serious limp. I felt something for the old people and for the younger ones, but I can't really put my finger on what it was. I just felt connected. And it was like this thread that runs through us all was exposed for a minute. And I could see how amazing it is to be alive.

Deep breath.

A full day. Just the way they should be. Full. Alert. Authentic.

On a different note : I was glad to see justice done today. I personally don't see Michael Jackson as a criminal. And I don't think I'm a bad person for saying so. People seem to think that unless you see him as guilty, then you don't care enough about kids. BS. I care about kids. I also trust that 12 people who came to a unanimous decision regarding his innocence probably saw and heard things I never did. And I trust that the fiber, the thread that runs through us all touched THEM today too. And they had to do as Marcus Aurelius said : Look things in the face and know them for what they are ... I hope Michael Jackson gets the kind of help he needs. It will have been such a waste if something positive can't come out of this.

1698

Conspiracy theory day on Braen's blog.

I spent almost an entire lunch yesterday sharing my theory about this Administration. ( My mother was the unlucky lunch partner ) What we talked about was basically this : If it looks like the Republicans will not win the election in 2008, there simply won't BE an election in 2008. How do I figure ? Well, I'm glad you asked ...

This Administration, and I almost hate to call it the Republican Party anymore , has created four cornerstones that will virtually insure that they will remain in power. And POWER is what it's ALL about.

First, the media. They have censored the voices we used to rely on for information. How many images of what is REALLY happening in IRAQ have you seen ? I've seen virtually none, unless I venture out into the world of blogs to find them. Mainstream media has been silenced. You've seen it at CBS and you've seen it at NEWSWEEK ( two very well known examples ) , but it's happened everywhere. Unfortunately, what you see these days is only what they want you to see.

Second, the " terror alert " system. It's a not-so-subtle way of " reminding " us how afraid we are. Or how afraid they need us to be. Not because there is an imminent threat, but because we are much more pliable as a people when we are in our fear. They are using fear to manipulate us into believing that they are somehow keeping us safe. I don't feel safer. I can't help but remember how it was eight years between attacks on the WTC. This Administration is " rolling the dice " with our security. If someone wishes to harm us, they will. My only real fear is that " the terrorists " are probably feeling a little more empowered these days. But bottom line is this : even evil takes time. We aren't " safer " because W says we are ... we have that illusion, because evil takes time and so far we have been lucky.

Third, the " Patriot Act " . What a disaster that is. They are trying to eliminate the critics and lock up the dissenters. In reality, we don't KNOW what those " enemy combatants " know. Maybe they aren't locked up because they are a threat in the way we've been led to believe. Maybe what they threaten, is the " plan " . Bottom line, all of us are eligible to be silenced. They can talk about freedom and liberty all they want, but we know that at any time we can be spied on and subjected to great invasion of privacy. Four years ago there really WAS free speech. There really WAS freedom of the press.

Fourth, the courts. There's a reason they are fighting so hard for these nominees. And it ain't about abortion or gay marriage. It's about handing them another election, or siding with them if they should choose to eliminate elections altogether. Do we really believe it's not possible ? Stacking the courts will perpetuate the " illusion " that what is happening is not only necessary, but somehow " legal " . It will further manipulate the masses. They only support a side in these hot-button debates as distraction. Trust me, abortion and gay marriage are not going to be what drives us into the ground. What will ultimately be our undoing, will be our own ignorance. Our own apathy.

So, picture the scenario like this : McCain VS Clinton in 2008. It's looking like Clinton will win by a landslide. And it's only September. The Administration panics because there is no way they can afford to lose their grip on power. Suddenly a new " story " surfaces about Clinton and it is outrageous, but is allowed to run on " network TV " . At the same time, there are " serious threats " and the terror alert goes to ORANGE. There are reports of " terror cells " in CA, WA, NY and now Florida. People are being taken from their homes, their jobs, their places of worship and locked up. The Senate and House ( both Republican controlled ) attempt to pass legislation that would create contingency plans for the election if the country is attacked or the threat becomes greater. The ( stacked ) courts have indicated through a series of lesser challenges to election protections, that they support the legislation . There is a stunning silence from those who usually dissent, because no one has seen them for weeks, and no one is allowed to report " suspicions ", only FACTS. And the Administration determines what FACTS we need to know. And the location of those individuals are not the FACTS we need to know.

So, early in November, the terror threat is " severe " The color rises from Orange to RED. The election is cancelled, Hillary disappears, the states are on a virtual " lockdown " and the reports coming over the networks is strictly propaganda. Think it can't happen ? Think it could never happen here ? Think again. Or at the very least .... just THINK. Think for yourself. Think about what's happening versus what's being " said " is happening. What's REAL in your world. Feel safer ? Feel free ? Feel like you can trust your government ? THINK.

Okay, so that's the conspiracy theory of the day.

It's not really so fictional ...

1686

A day off again.

I tried sleeping in, but I kept having the same haunting dream. I dreamt I was out delivering mail and my route had been changed. A LOT. There were changes in landscape, addresses, locations of boxes ... it was crazy. I had a full truck of mail and I was totally lost trying to deliver it. I was in an office park and I could see my car parked in one of the stalls. It made me panic even more in my dream, because if I were to continue trying to deliver my route, I would not be able to leave once I got back to the office. Kelly told me she thought it was a sign ... a sign that I had an " out " . That my postal dilemma has a solution, and that it is to walk away from what seems so impossible and confusing. A bold step. Perhaps a very bold dream ...

We saw Barbara DeAngelis earlier this week. She is a fascinating person to listen to. She's written many books on love and relationship, one of which Kelly and I used as our " guide " in proceeding with our rather non-traditional beginning. Now, DeAngelis is talking about something new. She's talking about transforming our lives and really getting clear about what our dreams are, and what is standing in the way. She has an interesting way of making her points in a very visual kind of way. She describes a Chinese vaudeville act where someone is trying to manage a series of spinning plates. Picture this: A series of poles a short distance apart. You take a plate and get it spinning on the pole, then proceed to the next plate. Once you have all the plates spinning, it is largely about keeping them moving. As momentum decreases, the plates begin to wobble and fall. Some even fall before we can reach them. She describes our lives like that. We are constantly trying to keep our " plates " spinning.

I have a lot of plates. My job, my family, my relationships, my pets, my art ( not in any specific order ). I am endlessly trying to keep some balance. I think this all feeds into my question of " settling " . I always use to frame it by way of relationships. I think my " settling " is really about my job. I am constantly trying to find the good in it ( and there certainly IS some ) and constantly rationalizing staying. What I really want to do is ART. I'm an artist. I have found a niche and people love what I create. I crave the time to really nurture that part of me. Maybe I should let that job " plate " fall and crack. Then I could replace it with a new " plate " ...

So, I'll read the book. I'll take some baby steps. I'll keep believing I can do it. I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT !

I'll return later this weekend. I have much on my mind. Right now I want to enjoy the sun while it's making an appearance. The weatherman keeps calling for rain, but it looks like beautiful blue skies to me ...

1668

How on earth does it happen that I hardly so much as blink, and the death toll climbs in IRAQ ?
I continue to pray for a miracle. And for peace. Though it would seem they are really one in the same.

Today is a lazy one. I've been tweaking all my ebay items and going through boxes of things I once considered irreplaceable. Things change. Perceptions, perspectives, priorities, value ... everything shifts in the face of passing time. I used to strike up conversation with folks about " settling " . I used to ask everyone who didn't shut me down, if they believed that people " settle " . You know, really give up on their own dreams. Or at the very least, lower their expectations. I used to believe people who said they " settled " were weak. Now I believe I see it for what it is.

" The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second, is to look things in the face and know them for what they are ... " - MARCUS AURELIUS

Once I really looked inside myself for the answer to that question, I decided that, for me, what has happened is that my priorities shifted. I have never " settled " . The things that are crucial for my survival will always be accommodated in my world, but some things slid a little further down the list. You know, once I hit thirty I had to acknowledge that I wouldn't be rich . Of course, by the time I hit thirty I was beginning to understand a bit better about what was truly " valuable " to me. And it wasn't large sums of money or the pursuit of it. Other things have moved down my list too. I used to want to have a baby, and now that window is slowly closing. It doesn't mean I have given up on wanting a child, just that it won't be a child I bear. Priorities change. It is an inevitable part of growing. If my goals and dreams had never changed, I'd be more concerned for myself. I guess I measure my own success in life by how well I adjust to my circumstances.

A good friend wrote yesterday about treasuring the normal days. Really, it was a message about not taking any of our days for granted. We don't know what lurks around the bend. I used to have this " theory " of the Universe. Picture this : The world is round, and as it rotates, ever so slowly, we rotate with it. Sometimes we are climbing ( can you picture it ? ) and sometimes we are on the other side, and slowly descending. I used to think I could feel every shift. Recognize the angle with which my life was either rising or falling. My Mom thought I was a kook. But to some degree, it helps me to picture it sometimes. It helps me understand why sometimes I feel like I'm invincible and other times, I feel like I've just plunged off into some black abyss. It's not so much, for me, about God intervening, as it the Universe just turning on its axis as it's meant to. And I am meant only to follow. My ability to " look things in the face and see them for what they are " is what guides me. What guides me AND comforts me.

Blah, blah, blah .

So, today is just about thinking and reminiscing about the past. My ebay adventure is all about trading treasures. I sell things that I know were worthy of saving, because someone will be looking for them. And I will seek " things " that help me remember times and moments I forgot to somehow commemorate. I have been on a mission to find things from The Normal Heart play. I saw the production of it in Seattle ( years ago ), but have been collecting items from all over. It was a significant play at a significant time in my life. And I have willingly given a few Sundays in honor of it's trinkets and playbills.

Enough for now. Enjoying kd lang's hymns of the 49th parallel... thanks, Rosie *

1657

A day off ... ahhhh.
My beloved PostcardX Forum is down for upgrading, so I'll be forced to actually WRITE today. A day full of letters. Not all bad. I still have a lingering sore throat, but I don't think it's too serious. Nothing a day by the fireplace won't cure ;)
I love days off from the P.O . Don't get me wrong, for the most part it's a good job and I'm not ungrateful. But there is a kind of insanity in the office that recreates itself every morning . Let's start with the system of management. Picture this : Fifty grown people being " monitored " on everything from talking, to bathroom visits. We have been asked to remove personal items from our workspace ( including snapshots of our families ) , are not allowed to have our cell phones in our possession on the floor, and must limit our conversation to postal-related business. It feels a little like kindergarten. All we need now are the small scraps of rug for our afternoon nap, and we'll be good to go.

The P.O likes to stress safety, but it's really a low priority when it bumps up against the need to " make the numbers " . They SAY be safe, but what they MEAN is HURRY . You can't always do both. There are so many variables during a day it is impossible to predict EXACTLY how long any given day will actually be out on the street. Yet every morning, we're asked to make a commitment, based on our best guess. So, here's an average day : I come in at 7:30 and I have buckets filled with flat mail ( large envelopes, catalogs, magazines, etc ...) and trays, filled with letters. My job is to " guess " how long it will take me to sort what I see on the floor into my case, and how long it will take me to deliver my route on the street. But here's the impossible part. Out on the dock, there are " presorted " trays of letters that I am expected to take directly to the street, and deliver along with the mail I've sorted in the office. But I don't get to SEE that mail, I'm expected to " guess " how much, and what type of mail is actually IN that mix. I also get what we call ACCOUNTABLE mail. Mail that requires a signature or payment for delivery. I deliver mostly to business addresses, so this can be a big factor some days. I'll get anywhere from three pieces to twenty pieces of this kind of mail a day. But again, when they come around and ask for my " commitment " I have no idea how much of this mail I will have. Each piece requires that a form be filled out in the office, and also that I track down a person on the street to actually sign for the mail. Both take time. Neither are truly accounted for unless I can " guess " correctly.

So, here's how it usually goes : I can get a good estimate of how long it will take to sort the mail I have in front of me. I glance at my parcels for the day ( another factor on the street ) and I build in whatever time I " guess " to be accurate about what I may encounter in all of the mail I don't see. Chances are, I will be " guessing " a time that does not match their computer generated time, and so at that point, the fight is on ! I work for an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. He comes around and argues with me about my time most every day. At that point, once he has engaged me, I remind him that I am " guessing " based on what I see AND what I don't see. I challenge him to do a better job. I suggest he enter ALL the information into his computer, and THEN see what it spits out. It's a stupid battle that we have every day. At one point, I posted a small note at my case that read GIGO. He " ordered " me to remove it once he realized what it stood for. It means simply " Garbage IN, Garbage OUT " . If you don't plug the correct info IN you are unlikely to get accurate info OUT. Simple, right ? I would think he would agree, but instead he attempts to intimidate me into going along with a time that was generated by his computer about how long my route should take. If intimidation doesn't work ( which it doesn't anymore ) he resorts to harassment. It is tiring. It is drudgery. It is an insult to me.

But for all my bitching this morning, I have good news ! The son-of-a-bitch is leaving. On June 10th, he will be gone to take his version of " management " somewhere else. Good riddance. I think he expects a party. He should know that one IS being planned ... the day AFTER he leaves. Then we can look forward to the next tyrant. The P.O is a crazy place. It's full of arrogant, uninspired, soulless people at the top. The rest of us plod along, fight the little battles, and most importantly we serve our customers in spite of it all. I think most of my customers respect what I do, appreciate the attention paid to detail and genuinely like me. For that I'm eternally grateful. For THAT, I keep going. I ram on ...