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Some days are harder than others.

I don't mean to oversimplify, but it's sure apparent . I'd call today a hard day. Yesterday, as my folks and brother and sister-in-law were ready to return from a few days in Vegas, my Dad experienced all the symptoms of a heart attack. They were on the runway, and turned the plane around to bring him back to the terminal. As of just a few hours ago, he was still in ER waiting to be admitted. A phone call a half hour ago had me hearing his voice from the comfort of a hospital room ( finally ) . Thank God.

He's had two attacks. Both within the past seven or so years ( I think ) . Each " incident " gets a little scarier. It's not because he's unhealthy or old. It gets scarier just because as I get older I have a better sense of how fragile we are. Not just outside, though the knees and back fight to be loudest some mornings. No, it's more about the fragile inner workings. I sense it in myself sometimes. I'm only 43, but I sometimes consider my own mortality.

We're not meant to live forever. Yeah, yeah ... I know that's obvious, but what I really mean is that we all have a beginning, a middle and an end. ( Of THIS lifetime, anyway. ) Sometimes I can feel my lungs working harder ... I can sense my heart working a bit harder. One night I even woke up in such great pain I thought I might burst. I know I am like the seasons, and I have no idea where I am at this particular point in time. We never really know. We could feel like we're in the midst of a beautiful spring, when in reality, winter is lurking right around the corner. And winter is when things die, readying themselves for a rebirth of sorts.

Today was hard because life and death keep this delicate balance. And at times we can sense ourselves and things around us teetering on the edge . What made today hard was that edge. It seemed a little close ... but that's where life is the most exciting too ...such a trade-off.

Update : Angiogram tomorrow AM. I'll know more then.