My Odyssey

May 15th 1990, I went to my first AA meeting and began the odyssey that has been my recovery. Dismal years leading up to that day. Lots of exploration and discovery, but lots of pain and agony too. And not just for me. I guess that's how addiction is ... a far reaching sort of pain. It's like walking around in the world with long knives extending from your body. Anyone who gets too close, is cut by those knives. Sometimes the closer people are, the deeper the cuts, the greater the scars.
Recovery is about repair. It begins from the inside out. It takes time and determination. It also takes committment. There has to be a willingness to participate in this process that seems so completely foreign. And now here I am, fifteen years later ... and I am still in that process. Still learning. Still repairing. Still discovering. The drinking and drugs are just a part of addiction for me. The BEHAVIOR of looking for things to soothe my pain is what drives my addiction. It can be the internet, or moments of really intense artistic expression, or food or shopping. I know I am winning when I am STILL. When I have ALL my feelings and I don't try to change or alter them. I make a very conscious choice to BE with them. It reinforces my strength. It helps me understand " how it works " . That is to say, from the inside out.

So, TODAY, I celebrate ME. It's a day that is about MY choice to repair the damage I allowed to happen. It's a day I celebrate making ME important and valuable and worth saving. There are a few people in my life who share this special day. Kelly is the one affected the most by my choices, good and bad. The fact that she has chosen to stay with me as I continue this process is a testament to her own strength and willingness. And without her by my side I don't know that I truly continue this celebration. Sometimes we do for others those things we find so very hard to do for ourselves. Thanks, Kelly *

Someone else helped me celebrate too. Megan. She sent a package with 15 wrapped gifts. One for each year. It was a very moving, touching expression of friendship. It reminds me that without my recovery I have virtually NONE of the good stuff I have today. I am humbled and truly grateful to ALL the people in my life who show their love and support.


Happy Anniversary to ME *