1655

1655

It is already Monday on this long weekend. Mostly it has been a very fitting welcome to summer. Friday and Saturday saw some very warm weather and lots of sun. Yesterday and today are a bit more subdued, but it seems appropriate somehow . We saw a wonderful German movie at SIFF yesterday. It was called Sergeant Pepper. It was about a six year old boy who wore a tiger costume ( very Tiggerish )... and a talking dog. It was brilliant, and the characters were all likeable and seemed to be born for the roles they played. I'd highly recommend it if you should get a chance to see it. It is billed as a family show, but it is sub-titled, and if your child reads well enough they will see many DAMN and Goddamn's on the screen. All in all, the best film I've seen this year.

W also hit the bookstore after a great breakfast. Breakfast was at The Sunlight Cafe, probably the first vegetarian restaurant in Seattle. Good service, great food ! The bookstore yielded a great find ! I found a copy of John Cage and Lois Long's book MUD PIES. Months ago, I paid forty five dollars for a lesser quality copy on ebay. The one I found yesterday was in great condition and was exactly $2.98. GREAT deal ! Kelly found some computer books which I am sure are a great value, but interest me not in the least. We both had a good bookstore experience.

Today is The Pike Place Market Street Fair. It's such a charming place and I love going down there. It is colorful, both with people and produce. It seems there is always some new experience to be had. The last time we went, we visited the " gum wall " . If you haven't seen it, you're missing a cool part of the Market experience. Once I figure out how to drop a picture or two in here, I'll try to put some in. Until then, trust that the experience was as good as always. We met up with a friend of mine who is dating a new woman. I can't hardly imagine being back out in the " dating pool " again. It all seems so hard somehow. These two, my friend and her date, seem to be a good fit so far. But it's early. There's been only that " good behavior " kind of being together. I always used to dread the first crisis or challenge. Everything you believed to be true about someone could crumble before your eyes. THAT is the kind of stuff I don't miss. I watched people hit animals, drink to stupidity, and worse things. Thank God those moments came before any real commitment was made. I lucked out with Kelly. We had a helluva first year, but it just served to make us stronger. It also helped me see through a few " friends " and for that, I am extremely grateful. I don't see myself as a weak or naive person, but sometimes the truth of a thing has to hit me like a brick before I really " get it " . Anyways . I look forward to watching things progress, or do what they will, with my friend. I will be glad it's not me, but I will hope for her nothing but good things.

I feel sick tonight. My chest is heavy, my head is stuffy and I'm actually considering an early bedtime. Not sure where this came from ... although it could just be that POSTAL allergy I have ... I'll write about THAT, next time ...

1643

1643

1639

1639.

That's how many Americans have died so far in the " war on terror " . I don't even know what to say about that. It is shocking to me that people continue to buy what's being " sold " about this so-called-war. I can't help but remember how it was eight years between the first attack on the WTC and the last one. Even evil takes time. If I'm right, and I'd be happy to be wrong here, the reason there hasn't been another attack in the US is because it takes time. It's not because W has done such a stellar job at keeping us safe. Think about it. Everyday we lose more lives. W is sending Americans into a place they cannot defend and to do a job that is largely unclear. Every time the " white noise " of criticism starts to hit its crescendo, they crank up the color code to remind us to stay fearful. Noam Chomsky will speak in a hundred towns about how the media has such a chokehold on us, yet it's the same handful of us that hears it. He is largely silenced by all other media. Read his website. Then do the defiant act of actually THINKING FOR YOURSELF about what he said.

Enough bitching. But I will not stop counting the dead. 1639 is a disgrace and people should be in an uproar about it.

The Time it Takes

Sunday morning now. A quiet is settled over the house. Kelly is doing her " God stuff " and the kids are either still asleep or playing very quietly. They've been with us this weekend. The youngest had a bout with tummy flu and fever but he's recovered nicely. If only we could always be like kids with our sickness. It comes on suddenly and tends to leave just as suddenly. They don't try to be heroes about it. They feel sick, they get what they need ( cuddling or sleep ) and then it runs it's course. As adults we tend to have little respect for sickness. We try to work through it or around it, which really only serves to prolong it. We could suffer with a 24 hour bug for days, all because we don't have the sense to get the sleep and cuddling we need.

Fast forward to late afternoon. They are staying another night after a very fun- FILLED weekend. Yesterday was the Family Fun Center, with it's gazillions of kids. Today it was Starbucks and the Museum of Glass. What an incredible place ! Lots of things to watch and participate in. I'll have to drag Kelly back when we can enjoy it by ourselves, because we would've liked to linger. The HOT SPOT Studio was fantastic ! Three different artists creating glass art before our eyes. I think the kids enjoyed it ... everything from the HOT SPOT, to the interactive activity room, to the actual exhibits ( Wegman and DOGS ) AND, of course, the bridge of glass across the freeway ! If I can upload a picture or two, I will.

Having them here all weekend makes me wish they were ours. We continue to entertain the idea and explore the possibility, of foster parenting or adoption. Little lives. The kids are so impressionable and you just want to expose them to as much GOOD in the world as you can. And it's a selfish thing too. We have witnessed so many " firsts " with them. There is something that one cannot adequately describe about watching them respond and react to new people, places and things. I especially love to see them grow artistically. Kelly loves to teach them about animals and their care and really, just the human condition in general. She teaches them how to handle conflict, confusion, frustration and many other emotions that one can attach to our relationships. Those kids are self possessed and confident, as well as kind and good stewards of the earth. I am so proud to know them all ! And my weekends are FULL when I get to see the world through their eyes .

So, tonight I am once again in awe of the human spirit. It never gets old. ( Exhausting, maybe ... but never old ) Off now to enjoy " Racing Stripes " ...

Hump Day

Okay, so enough about Rosie ( although she was in my dream last night ... Too bizarre. Maybe I'm spending too much time online ...)

Today was wicked spring-like. The rain shot down from the sky like from a clogged gutter. You know, flat, soft waves in places and torrents of gushing water in others. There was thunder and sunshine and even a rainbow or two. These are the days I love. What I find so alluring is the unpredictability. The instability. The idea that everything that is true one minute, is different in the next. Not such a bad trait for weather. ( Now PEOPLE with those characteristics would be better off keeping their distance ... )

Today is the third day of my " non-diet " . I am not actually weighing in. I could care less about actual weight loss, I just want my clothes to feel better on my body. Oh, you all know what I mean. Sometimes it's just five pounds, but everything is screaming all day . Too much tugging and pulling at the seat of your pants is very distracting. That's where I am. Tugging and pulling. So, I finally surrendered. No more white stuff. No refined flour or sugar, and it looks like the end of my bottomless cups of soda and bottomless bowls of popcorn. This is almost worse than quitting smoking ( which I did nearly ten tears ago ) . I eat out of boredom. I eat out of habit. I pick the wrong stuff because it's easy and I'm tired. Only today did it finally occur to me that maybe I'm tired BECAUSE I'm picking the wrong stuff.

Weird cycles seem to happen in life. I can easily get caught up in " loops " of crappy- ass behaviors. They feed on one another and before I know it, I'm tied up in knots from all my circling. All because I'm trying to avoid the right choices. So, as part of my complete surrender, I have to actually exercise too. ( and I DON'T mean more circling ...) I have used the " I get plenty of exercise in my job " excuse for too long. In fact, for awhile it was probably beneficial ( the exercise itself, not the excuse ...), but those days are long passed.

So, I'll keep you posted. It's just five pounds ( or ten ) for heavens sake ! How hard can it be ? ( Don't answer that ... humor me for awhile ...)

Since I decided to stop selling greeting cards, the orders have rolled in. A GOOD case of " be careful what you wish for "... ( You can see them here . ) Now I'm just feeling the need to stretch my creativity a bit. I love the style I've been doing, but I am also sensing a change, inside. Something is stirring. I'm sure it will let me know when it's ready to come out. It will come like that torrential rain today if I'm lucky *

Wondering where Rosie is ...( really, HOW she is ...)

I've followed just for a few weeks now, Rosie O'Donnell's blog. Complete with pictures and a delightful stream of consciousness. But today it is poetic. And to me, that signals a shift ...

She is unreachable to those of us who are strangers. No comments allowed on the blog, no address to send a short letter. I always thought her and I would be great friends. I say that, not because I know her, but because I relate to the need to create. And that's it. And that's a LOT. Not everyone recognizes that driving need that stirs for weeks sometimes, and then suddenly, without warning .... it DEMANDS expression. It's the kind of insistence you might discourage in children. It's the kind of intensity that some choose to manage with drugs. It's what makes an artist who she is ...

So today I wonder about Rosie. I wish I could send her a small piece of art. I think it would mean something to her. Nothing expensive. Nothing terribly elaborate. Just something that represents that stirring inside of me, that only a kindred spirit would know ...

Sometimes it matters to have someone who knows...

Bush, INC ( formerly the United States of America )

Every day when I wake up, I shower, grab my coffee and turn on the local TV station for weather and traffic. It seems every day now I hear of more corruption, more blurred lines, more extremism. Am I crazy ? Am I the only one paying attention ? I thought it was bad when CBS was censored by THE ADMINISTRATION over the Bush National Guard story. What evil do THE POWERFUL wield that makes journalists stop dead in their tracks, and then backtrack ? What did THE ADMINISTRATION threaten THIS time ( Newsweek ) ?? The damage is done. People don't care about retractions. People are seeking and responding to the truth. This country no longer garners the respect of other nations or people. This country is an embarrassment. Plain and simple. It is like the big bully. We try to teach young people the values that this country was built on. Try to teach them about tolerance and justice and decency. And everyday it gets harder. Harder to find examples of those things in the news. Instead, we spend our time trying to explain away torture, unjust wars and desecration of the Qu'ran. Try to explain why THE ADMINISTRATION is involved in the most personal family decisions ( Terri Schiavo ). Explain why THE ADMINISTRATION is trying to put Gay Americans in the same class as terrorists and why THEY are attempting to thumb their noses at the rules of law that have been the bedrock of our legislative system for decades. It sickens me.

So what can I do ? Complain ? Give up ? Ignore it all ?

I'll write. I resolve to write letters to anyone who will listen. From my local state representatives, to my US Senators, to THE ADMINISTRATION. They may not listen, but I can't just DO NOTHING. I have to find and exercise my voice. I need to be sure I share what I can about the good in this world with the young people in my life. I need to keep the hope alive. For their sake . And for my own sanity.

Monday, Monday ... can't trust that day ...

Another Monday. Actually, since I have tomorrow off it's sorta like a Saturday. Or a cross between. Like Monurday. Yeah, I'm going with that. Today I was wondering where all the fluffy cotton comes from. It's everywhere. It floats and blows and forms balls like snow. And it covers the tops of all the delightful buttercups that are popping up everywhere. I know it comes from cottonwood trees, but I honestly don't know which trees they actually are. I find myself wasting perfectly good work time squinting at all the trees, wondering which ones are losing their fluff . I'll keep you posted. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone, so I'll keep squinting.
Bush is making me crazy. I can't believe the things I hear everyday. It is depressing. Really and truly depressing. I think about the state of the world, and even just my own little corner of it, and I feel stress. Honestly, I think about selling everything, quitting my job, and just leaving. I get this romanticized picture in my head about living in the hills ... no TV, no radio, no computer or phone. Of course I'd have to have a dog. A big one. And I'd definitely need to learn some better gardening skills. But it sounds better than the hateful, fearful rhetoric that permeates EVERYTHING ! There's really no way to say how I feel sometimes. Maybe it's that I'm afraid. But not of what they think ...

Oh, and ...

Happy Birthday, Jackie ~ You've joined the 43 Club, aay ? I'm there too ... til Novmber. Today is a different birthday for me ;)

My Odyssey

May 15th 1990, I went to my first AA meeting and began the odyssey that has been my recovery. Dismal years leading up to that day. Lots of exploration and discovery, but lots of pain and agony too. And not just for me. I guess that's how addiction is ... a far reaching sort of pain. It's like walking around in the world with long knives extending from your body. Anyone who gets too close, is cut by those knives. Sometimes the closer people are, the deeper the cuts, the greater the scars.
Recovery is about repair. It begins from the inside out. It takes time and determination. It also takes committment. There has to be a willingness to participate in this process that seems so completely foreign. And now here I am, fifteen years later ... and I am still in that process. Still learning. Still repairing. Still discovering. The drinking and drugs are just a part of addiction for me. The BEHAVIOR of looking for things to soothe my pain is what drives my addiction. It can be the internet, or moments of really intense artistic expression, or food or shopping. I know I am winning when I am STILL. When I have ALL my feelings and I don't try to change or alter them. I make a very conscious choice to BE with them. It reinforces my strength. It helps me understand " how it works " . That is to say, from the inside out.

So, TODAY, I celebrate ME. It's a day that is about MY choice to repair the damage I allowed to happen. It's a day I celebrate making ME important and valuable and worth saving. There are a few people in my life who share this special day. Kelly is the one affected the most by my choices, good and bad. The fact that she has chosen to stay with me as I continue this process is a testament to her own strength and willingness. And without her by my side I don't know that I truly continue this celebration. Sometimes we do for others those things we find so very hard to do for ourselves. Thanks, Kelly *

Someone else helped me celebrate too. Megan. She sent a package with 15 wrapped gifts. One for each year. It was a very moving, touching expression of friendship. It reminds me that without my recovery I have virtually NONE of the good stuff I have today. I am humbled and truly grateful to ALL the people in my life who show their love and support.


Happy Anniversary to ME *

The first day is always hardest. Here, anyway. It is a resignation of sorts, that I am failing at keeping a journal active. I collect them now, journals. It seems I am collecting dust with them as well. So here I am. And what exactly IS it I wanted to say so bad ?
Probably more whining about the P.O. It is such a soul-less place inside the walls. What continues to save me is the reaching outside those walls and making REAL connections, with REAL people. I have met some real characters. I have made good friends, and lost a few. Sometimes I worry it will rob me of either my dexterity or my ability to laugh. Both would be tragic.
Luckily I get to come home to a happy person. Oh, sure ... she has her unpleasant moments, but for the most part she remains committed to the wonder around her and to " keeping it simple " ... a good thing for me to witness most days . " SHE " is Kelly. And I love her *
I really don't have much reason to start this, other than I am willing to do just about anything to get inspired to write again. I'll check in later.