GUESTWORDS: By E.L. Doctorow
The Unfeeling President
I fault this president for not knowing what death is. He does not suffer the death of our 21-year-olds who wanted to be what they could be. On the eve of D-Day in 1944 General Eisenhower prayed to God for the lives of the young soldiers he knew were going to die. He knew what death was. Even in a justifiable war, a war not of choice but of necessity, a war of survival, the cost was almost more than Eisenhower could bear.
But this president does not know what death is. He hasn’t the mind for it. You see him joking with the press, peering under the table for the weapons of mass destruction he can’t seem to find, you see him at rallies strutting up to the stage in shirt sleeves to the roar of the carefully screened crowd, smiling and waving, triumphal, a he-man.
He does not mourn. He doesn’t understand why he should mourn. He is satisfied during the course of a speech written for him to look solemn for a moment and speak of the brave young Americans who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.
But you study him, you look into his eyes and know he dissembles an emotion which he does not feel in the depths of his being because he has no capacity for it. He does not feel a personal responsibility for the 1,000 dead young men and women who wanted to be what they could be.
They come to his desk not as youngsters with mothers and fathers or wives and children who will suffer to the end of their days a terribly torn fabric of familial relationships and the inconsolable remembrance of aborted life . . . they come to his desk as a political liability, which is why the press is not permitted to photograph the arrival of their coffins from Iraq.
How then can he mourn? To mourn is to express regret and he regrets nothing. He does not regret that his reason for going to war was, as he knew, unsubstantiated by the facts. He does not regret that his bungled plan for the war’s aftermath has made of his mission-accomplished a disaster. He does not regret that, rather than controlling terrorism, his war in Iraq has licensed it. So he never mourns for the dead and crippled youngsters who have fought this war of his choice.
He wanted to go to war and he did. He had not the mind to perceive the costs of war, or to listen to those who knew those costs. He did not understand that you do not go to war when it is one of the options but when it is the only option; you go not because you want to but because you have to.
Yet this president knew it would be difficult for Americans not to cheer the overthrow of a foreign dictator. He knew that much. This president and his supporters would seem to have a mind for only one thing — to take power, to remain in power, and to use that power for the sake of themselves and their friends.
A war will do that as well as anything. You become a wartime leader. The country gets behind you. Dissent becomes inappropriate. And so he does not drop to his knees, he is not contrite, he does not sit in the church with the grieving parents and wives and children. He is the president who does not feel. He does not feel for the families of the dead, he does not feel for the 35 million of us who live in poverty, he does not feel for the 40 percent who cannot afford health insurance, he does not feel for the miners whose lungs are turning black or for the working people he has deprived of the chance to work overtime at time-and-a-half to pay their bills - it is amazing for how many people in this country this president does not feel.
But he will dissemble feeling. He will say in all sincerity he is relieving the wealthiest 1 percent of the population of their tax burden for the sake of the rest of us, and that he is polluting the air we breathe for the sake of our economy, and that he is decreasing the quality of air in coal mines to save the coal miners’ jobs, and that he is depriving workers of their time-and-a-half benefits for overtime because this is actually a way to honor them by raising them into the professional class.
And this litany of lies he will versify with reverences for God and the flag and democracy, when just what he and his party are doing to our democracy is choking the life out of it.
But there is one more terribly sad thing about all of this. I remember the millions of people here and around the world who marched against the war. It was extraordinary, that spontaneous aroused oversoul of alarm and protest that transcended national borders. Why did it happen? After all, this was not the only war anyone had ever seen coming. There are little wars all over he world most of the time.
But the cry of protest was the appalled understanding of millions of people that America was ceding its role as the last best hope of mankind. It was their perception that the classic archetype of democracy was morphing into a rogue nation. The greatest democratic republic in history was turning its back on the future, using its extraordinary power and standing not to advance the ideal of a concordance of civilizations but to endorse the kind of tribal combat that originated with the Neanderthals, a people, now extinct, who could imagine ensuring their survival by no other means than pre-emptive war.
The president we get is the country we get. With each president the nation is conformed spiritually. He is the artificer of our malleable national soul. He proposes not only the laws but the kinds of lawlessness that govern our lives and invoke our responses. The people he appoints are cast in his image. The trouble they get into and get us into, is his characteristic trouble.
Finally, the media amplify his character into our moral weather report. He becomes the face of our sky, the conditions that prevail. How can we sustain ourselves as the United States of America given the stupid and ineffective warmaking, the constitutionally insensitive lawgiving, and the monarchal economics of this president? He cannot mourn but is a figure of such moral vacancy as to make us mourn for ourselves.
written 9.9.04 for the east hampton star
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Eighteen hundred seventy two
This is what 1872 looks like
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1872
Can you even believe it ? 1872.
The number speaks for itself.
Quotes from Republicans when Clinton committed troops to Bosnia:
( these are borrowed from Rosie's blog ...)
“You can support the troops but not the president.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Well, I just think it’s a bad idea. What’s going to happen is they’re
going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years.”
–Joe Scarborough (R-FL)
“Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may
come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their
life?”
–Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99
“[The] President . . . is once again releasing American military might
on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit
strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will
cost. And he has not informed our nation’s armed forces about how long
they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound
foreign policy.”
–Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)
“American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the
administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign
policy.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they
have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy.”
–Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W Bush
“I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning . . I
didn’t think we had done enough in the diplomatic area.”
–Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)
“I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it
is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just
learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with
very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later,
these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of
engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition
of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is
no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our
over-extended military. There is no explanation defining what vital
national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war
when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan
today”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Victory means exit strategy, and it’s important for the President to
explain to us what the exit strategy is.”
–Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)
Funny thing is, we ended that war without a single American killed in action.
The number speaks for itself.
Quotes from Republicans when Clinton committed troops to Bosnia:
( these are borrowed from Rosie's blog ...)
“You can support the troops but not the president.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Well, I just think it’s a bad idea. What’s going to happen is they’re
going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years.”
–Joe Scarborough (R-FL)
“Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may
come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their
life?”
–Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99
“[The] President . . . is once again releasing American military might
on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit
strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will
cost. And he has not informed our nation’s armed forces about how long
they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound
foreign policy.”
–Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)
“American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the
administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign
policy.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they
have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy.”
–Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W Bush
“I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning . . I
didn’t think we had done enough in the diplomatic area.”
–Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)
“I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it
is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just
learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with
very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later,
these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of
engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition
of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is
no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our
over-extended military. There is no explanation defining what vital
national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war
when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan
today”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Victory means exit strategy, and it’s important for the President to
explain to us what the exit strategy is.”
–Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)
Funny thing is, we ended that war without a single American killed in action.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
1833
( Thanks, Goofymabel * )
Sometimes I am taken a bit by surprise when I check the casualty count before logging in to this blog. The numbers are simply astonishing. I wonder where the absolute outrage is ? 1833 young men and women DEAD while the news reports of GW taking a five week vacation. Gas prices so high that I have to work most of the first day of my week just to pay for the gas to get me TO work. A "flat" economy, drilling in the Alaska wilderness, more corruption and secrecy than EVER before in our history. Where is the absolute outrage ? Many who call themselves good Christian people profess love and support for this president. C'mon ... would Jesus REALLY be a Republican ?
On a different note, life is again settling down to the dull hum of normalcy. And trust me when I say I am not complaining as I write that. A whirlwind of a trip to the Midwest, a " scare " with my Mom on my return, and a week back at work that has reminded me all of what I love and hate about the place... Normal is welcome.
My Mom went into the hospital a week ago today. Pain, nausea, sweating ...it took three days to rule out a heart issue and let her return home. I'm grateful they took their time. I'm grateful for the great care. I know that today she is feeling happy to be back to " normal " too ...
Life really IS short. It's so hard to know what should perpetually be at the TOP of our list. Should it be Loyalty ? Love ? Family ? Friendship ? Adventure ? Risk is what gets the blood pumping. Adventure is what keeps it banging out hard against the cavity. FEAR is what usually wins out. Why is that ? Why is FEAR so damn powerful ? Right-brain, left-brain ... logic, curiousity ... I don't understand the battle. I can see it plain as day. I could debate it, for the sake of a good conversation, but I DO NOT understand it. It's like a computer you spend hours programming, and with the flip of a switch it reverts back to the default settings. And CAUTION and FEAR are default settings. And sometimes I swear I wish I could wipe the hard drive completely clean ...
And start over.
I'd program just the right combination of risk and adventure; security and rational thought. Take the LESSONS I learned from those no longer in my world, and the comfort and satisfaction I get from those very much in my world ; Take what I know NOW and mix it with what I learned THEN, and maybe begin from there. A new beginning ...
A peaceful, respectful, lovely new beginning ...
Thursday, July 28, 2005
1788
We have returned to the Emerald City ( well, Auburn ) .
What a whirlwind trip it was to Wisconsin. I was worried about flying into Chicago and then driving, but as it turned out it was rather nice. Just two hours from airport to hotel. We thought we'd go " on the cheap " and just book a room for six nights at Motel 6. What a mistake that was ! After we checked in I wouldn't even let Kelly unpack ! I knew I couldn't stay. Two guys leering at us over the railing, drinking their cans of beer as we drug our things to the room. Bottom floor, drapes that wouldn't hardly close all the way, a " prickly water " shower, a corroded ice maker in the vending area ( that didn't work anyway ) , no extra towels, no extra pillows ... I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat. It felt unsafe and it had no sense of comfort whatsoever. This is our summer vacation for pete's sake !
So, we moved. To the Hampton Inn. Beautiful place. Indoor huge pool, great free breakfast, a USA TODAY sitting at our door every morning, free wireless access, a massager shower head, all the towels and pillows we could want ! Mostly, a third floor room and five good nights of sleep !
Wisconsin was beautiful ! Kelly's family has built a HUGE log home in a rural part of the state. It is just gorgeous. Everything from the beautiful wood floors, towering ceiling, solid log beams, SIX acres of untouched land and a great tree swing ! ( TWO, actually ! ) Her three nieces are just precious , and her new baby nephew is adorable. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other and had some wonderful days out in the world. Hit the Waukesha County Fair, an organic farm, Cool Waters water park, and of course a day of swimming in our indoor pool when it was a sweltering 98* outside.
Sometimes I think I could easily live in the country. No traffic, friendly folks and a real sense of being away from the hustle and bustle. But in reality, I'd miss my world. I'd miss the movement. As much as I hate all the commuting, I'd miss the sense of community I have being a part of a city. There's something appealing about the " other side " but I think I'm an urbanite in my bones, and I will continue to appreciate the opportunities I have to " get away from it all " .
I'm still off for a few more days. I caught a nasty cold on our last day there and had a rather miserable day of travel yesterday, but I am ready to get back into the real world today. There is lawn to be mowed, mail to be picked up, and unpacking and settling back in to do.
There's no place like Home *
What a whirlwind trip it was to Wisconsin. I was worried about flying into Chicago and then driving, but as it turned out it was rather nice. Just two hours from airport to hotel. We thought we'd go " on the cheap " and just book a room for six nights at Motel 6. What a mistake that was ! After we checked in I wouldn't even let Kelly unpack ! I knew I couldn't stay. Two guys leering at us over the railing, drinking their cans of beer as we drug our things to the room. Bottom floor, drapes that wouldn't hardly close all the way, a " prickly water " shower, a corroded ice maker in the vending area ( that didn't work anyway ) , no extra towels, no extra pillows ... I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat. It felt unsafe and it had no sense of comfort whatsoever. This is our summer vacation for pete's sake !
So, we moved. To the Hampton Inn. Beautiful place. Indoor huge pool, great free breakfast, a USA TODAY sitting at our door every morning, free wireless access, a massager shower head, all the towels and pillows we could want ! Mostly, a third floor room and five good nights of sleep !
Wisconsin was beautiful ! Kelly's family has built a HUGE log home in a rural part of the state. It is just gorgeous. Everything from the beautiful wood floors, towering ceiling, solid log beams, SIX acres of untouched land and a great tree swing ! ( TWO, actually ! ) Her three nieces are just precious , and her new baby nephew is adorable. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other and had some wonderful days out in the world. Hit the Waukesha County Fair, an organic farm, Cool Waters water park, and of course a day of swimming in our indoor pool when it was a sweltering 98* outside.
Sometimes I think I could easily live in the country. No traffic, friendly folks and a real sense of being away from the hustle and bustle. But in reality, I'd miss my world. I'd miss the movement. As much as I hate all the commuting, I'd miss the sense of community I have being a part of a city. There's something appealing about the " other side " but I think I'm an urbanite in my bones, and I will continue to appreciate the opportunities I have to " get away from it all " .
I'm still off for a few more days. I caught a nasty cold on our last day there and had a rather miserable day of travel yesterday, but I am ready to get back into the real world today. There is lawn to be mowed, mail to be picked up, and unpacking and settling back in to do.
There's no place like Home *
Sunday, July 24, 2005
1774
Just a little glimpse of our trip to Wisconsin. In fact, it is a really beautiful part of the country. Lots of wide open space, not so many cars, and very friendly folks. We went to The Waukesha County Fair yesterday with Kelly's two oldest nieces ( 5 and 8 ) We all had a blast !! An organic farm was the destination the day before. More later.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Monday, July 11, 2005
1755
Ahhh...
it occurred to me today that the world is ready for some phenomenal good .
We are survivors by nature. We've survived wars and disasters and pure evil. I think it's time to tip the scales a bit in favor of phenomenal good . Imagine ... A day where no one died at the hand of another. A day where those who were hungry had enough to eat. A day where those who were sick were made well again. A day where we could really SEE one another as the fragile, unique beings that we are. Impossible ? Probably. But wouldn't it be nice ... to " survive " some phenomenal good ?
It also occurred to me today what a loud, thunderous place this world would be if our thoughts had a volume. I know how busy my braen can be and how rambunctious my wandering mind can get. I know I have an ongoing dialogue all day. Can you imagine if we could actually HEAR, not only our own thoughts, but EVERYONE'S thoughts ...
Probably sound a bit like 7th grade band where you played musical chairs with instruments. A lot of noise, but not a lot of substance. I imagine the world would be like that. A lot of noise, not a lot of substance. In fact, it would be a lot like it is now, only LOUDER ...
( Just the whole idea of our thoughts being " out loud "
... boy, that could get embarrassing, huh ? )
I'm exhausted. It has been a long Monday ... and you don't even want to know what I'm REALLY thinking about it all ...
it occurred to me today that the world is ready for some phenomenal good .
We are survivors by nature. We've survived wars and disasters and pure evil. I think it's time to tip the scales a bit in favor of phenomenal good . Imagine ... A day where no one died at the hand of another. A day where those who were hungry had enough to eat. A day where those who were sick were made well again. A day where we could really SEE one another as the fragile, unique beings that we are. Impossible ? Probably. But wouldn't it be nice ... to " survive " some phenomenal good ?
It also occurred to me today what a loud, thunderous place this world would be if our thoughts had a volume. I know how busy my braen can be and how rambunctious my wandering mind can get. I know I have an ongoing dialogue all day. Can you imagine if we could actually HEAR, not only our own thoughts, but EVERYONE'S thoughts ...
Probably sound a bit like 7th grade band where you played musical chairs with instruments. A lot of noise, but not a lot of substance. I imagine the world would be like that. A lot of noise, not a lot of substance. In fact, it would be a lot like it is now, only LOUDER ...
( Just the whole idea of our thoughts being " out loud "
... boy, that could get embarrassing, huh ? )
I'm exhausted. It has been a long Monday ... and you don't even want to know what I'm REALLY thinking about it all ...
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Cinque Terre ITALY
Just one place ...
...of the " oh-so-many " I want to visit. I don't always think " beach " when I think of ITALY, but I do think of rugged, natural magnificence ! Imagine just taking it all in from the ledge here in the foreground ...
Ahhhhhhhhh....
1748
It's quiet here this morning.
No pounding, thundering rain. No left-over fireworks exploding. No whistles off in the distance from the train. Not even a meow out of Snippy. Nice, these days. Aside from my new determination to quit my " day job " I have also decided to start planning for our trip to Italy. Kelly says 2007, but I say late next summer. Two weeks ... Venice, Milan, Rome, Tuscany ... the names just fall so easily off the lips. I have a lot of homework to do before we take a trip of that magnitude. Where to stay, what to see ... how to save enough money to fully enjoy the trip. Hawaii, last November was our " test-run " . Now, we KNOW we can make it a reality if we plan well.
As for the " OTHER " plan ...
We are still trying to find an afternoon where we can both go and talk to the printer that was recommended to us. I need about six good designs, a little cash and a lot of good energy. The initial investment will probably be the hardest part. Then it's just a matter of selling to stores and hopefully a certain catalog I have in mind. I have pretty high expectations for myself with regard to reproducing my cards. They really have to be good, or I'll never really be able to release them into the world with the kind of confidence I'll need. Nothing less than perfect will do .
In my mind, I am modeling my business after a few people I greatly admire. There is absolutely no reason why I can't get THERE from HERE. Send as much good energy as you can spare ...I will take it all lovingly in, and go along my way ...
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
1744
Sometimes snakes can't slough. They can't burst their old skin. Then they go sick and die inside the old skin, and nobody ever sees the new pattern. It needs a real desperate recklessness to burst your old skin at last. You simply don't care what happens to you, if you rip yourself in two, so long as you do get out.
- D.H. Lawrence
( Ever feel like it's now or never ? )
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
1744
Things have certainly improved. Dad is home and well. He looks great, and he's anxious to get out and cut the grass. A good sign, to be sure. Good to know it was a good natured " poke in the ribs " to get him to be mindful again of his health ... the fragile nature of this thing called life.
George spoke tonight ( speaking of the fragile nature of life ) . The casualty count is rising like mercury on a hot day, and STILL he tries to tell us how progress is being made ... how we are there for some " greater purpose " ... that the lives this war have cost are somehow worth it. Tell that to the kids without parents, the men and woman without spouses and partners. Tell that to the face of a mother who just lost a child to this insanity you continue to rationalize as some kind of war. Worth it ? At what cost ? Actually, at WHOSE cost ? George keeps opposing an increase in the minimum wage ( to make it a " livable wage " )because if he supported it, it would even more greatly reduce the number signing up for the military. It isn't " duty to country " that causes them to sign on the line ... it's duty to their families. If they could support their families HERE they would never sign up to fight George's war ANYWHERE ELSE. Remember THAT, in the next election. Elect people who REALLY support working families. Keep families together, and give people living wages !
Aside from George, who makes my blood boil ... life is busy and good.
We are looking for a new pup. We are also clear that we have the luxury of time to look, and are fully aware that often a puppy CHOOSES YOU, you do not choose it. I guess the Universe now knows we're ready...check out a couple we met this past weekend in my flickr pics. If anyone knows anything about breeders, let me know what you think of a ' less than clean ' garage filled with cages for the dogs ... and 16 ( yes, SIXTEEN ) puppies ! Is that normal ? I envision getting a pup from a breeder who has one litter available, and puppies that are " part of the family " . I'm new to this. If you know more than I do, or know someone who does, please pass along my email ! It's available at the link to my website in the LINKS section. Thanks !
Thursday, June 23, 2005
1728
Some days are harder than others.
I don't mean to oversimplify, but it's sure apparent . I'd call today a hard day. Yesterday, as my folks and brother and sister-in-law were ready to return from a few days in Vegas, my Dad experienced all the symptoms of a heart attack. They were on the runway, and turned the plane around to bring him back to the terminal. As of just a few hours ago, he was still in ER waiting to be admitted. A phone call a half hour ago had me hearing his voice from the comfort of a hospital room ( finally ) . Thank God.
He's had two attacks. Both within the past seven or so years ( I think ) . Each " incident " gets a little scarier. It's not because he's unhealthy or old. It gets scarier just because as I get older I have a better sense of how fragile we are. Not just outside, though the knees and back fight to be loudest some mornings. No, it's more about the fragile inner workings. I sense it in myself sometimes. I'm only 43, but I sometimes consider my own mortality.
We're not meant to live forever. Yeah, yeah ... I know that's obvious, but what I really mean is that we all have a beginning, a middle and an end. ( Of THIS lifetime, anyway. ) Sometimes I can feel my lungs working harder ... I can sense my heart working a bit harder. One night I even woke up in such great pain I thought I might burst. I know I am like the seasons, and I have no idea where I am at this particular point in time. We never really know. We could feel like we're in the midst of a beautiful spring, when in reality, winter is lurking right around the corner. And winter is when things die, readying themselves for a rebirth of sorts.
Today was hard because life and death keep this delicate balance. And at times we can sense ourselves and things around us teetering on the edge . What made today hard was that edge. It seemed a little close ... but that's where life is the most exciting too ...such a trade-off.
Update : Angiogram tomorrow AM. I'll know more then.
I don't mean to oversimplify, but it's sure apparent . I'd call today a hard day. Yesterday, as my folks and brother and sister-in-law were ready to return from a few days in Vegas, my Dad experienced all the symptoms of a heart attack. They were on the runway, and turned the plane around to bring him back to the terminal. As of just a few hours ago, he was still in ER waiting to be admitted. A phone call a half hour ago had me hearing his voice from the comfort of a hospital room ( finally ) . Thank God.
He's had two attacks. Both within the past seven or so years ( I think ) . Each " incident " gets a little scarier. It's not because he's unhealthy or old. It gets scarier just because as I get older I have a better sense of how fragile we are. Not just outside, though the knees and back fight to be loudest some mornings. No, it's more about the fragile inner workings. I sense it in myself sometimes. I'm only 43, but I sometimes consider my own mortality.
We're not meant to live forever. Yeah, yeah ... I know that's obvious, but what I really mean is that we all have a beginning, a middle and an end. ( Of THIS lifetime, anyway. ) Sometimes I can feel my lungs working harder ... I can sense my heart working a bit harder. One night I even woke up in such great pain I thought I might burst. I know I am like the seasons, and I have no idea where I am at this particular point in time. We never really know. We could feel like we're in the midst of a beautiful spring, when in reality, winter is lurking right around the corner. And winter is when things die, readying themselves for a rebirth of sorts.
Today was hard because life and death keep this delicate balance. And at times we can sense ourselves and things around us teetering on the edge . What made today hard was that edge. It seemed a little close ... but that's where life is the most exciting too ...such a trade-off.
Update : Angiogram tomorrow AM. I'll know more then.
Friday, June 17, 2005
1718
Another day of random thoughts.
Earlier this week I was talking to someone about concentration, and how my external world affects my ability to focus. We aren't all the same. Personally I need a means of occupying my " monkey brain " or it will run rampant in my head. The worst thing I can do is to try to sleep or concentrate when I have a lot on my mind. I MUST have music or the drone of TV in order to occupy that part of my head. Once that part is engaged, the other parts are free to do the business at hand. I can be completely focused with music BLARING! Any kind of noise will do. Running water is a good one, though not terribly practical here at home.
Same with sitting down to write. I get going too fast if the monkey brain is loose ( Let's just give the monkey a name. It seems wrong not to call it what it is ... how about BUBBLES ... oh wait, I think that one is taken ... how about Basil. Yes, Basil ) . What I need to focus is the free flow of ideas. Basil likes structure. The rest of me hates it. The rest of me likes spontaneity.
I am a prolific writer. I always have been. I don't always bang out extraordinary stuff, but sometimes the REAL quality of what I am trying to say is lurking somewhere and it just takes a good eye and ear to catch it. It might be tucked away with some boring crap like tonight's entry. But once in awhile there's a little nugget of undeniable truth that slips out , and those are the kinds of moments I live for.
I've met fascinating people online through words. I have experienced a greater range of emotions in the ether, than I may have ever experienced in real life. I have made friends and found lovers, and online was where I met Kelly. Our written words were our beginning. She wrote me a letter a day and stole my heart. It actually didn't take long before we spoke daily on the phone. It was those written missives in the beginning that cemented our future. But there came a time when I needed those written words to be whispers . I needed to be with her. In real time, real space. I remember wanting five minutes, just five minutes . It would be enough time to commit to memory the map I would make of her body with my hands. I still remember running my hands across her face, the slope of her nose, the small of her back ... I still remember it to this day. I took five minutes. I shut everything else out ( even Basil ) and filed the memory of those moments in a safe place. Five minutes. It's taken longer to write about it. And tomorrow I will remember THOSE moments far more clearly than these.
Everything I do or say or attempt, changes me. Sometimes I suffocate my thoughts with too many words. Sometimes I don't say enough. I don't always know where my current barometer is set. Tonight I don't know. I am just giving in to a stream of consciousness and hoping the trip is eventful and the landscape is nice when I arrive.
My art has been changing these past few years. I used to create art out of nails and screws and bolts. Now it is mostly paper. I wonder what that says about me ? I don't know that it's really about becoming anyone other than who I am so much as it's about going deeper into myself. I think maybe I'm finding some softness beneath some jagged edges. I guess the goal would be to get to the core. I wonder what I'll find there ? I feel like I've been through the hot, molten years . And I've been through the rugged layers of growing up. I don't know what lies ahead ... but I really should focus ... pay attention... remain open...
I think I need some music ...
Earlier this week I was talking to someone about concentration, and how my external world affects my ability to focus. We aren't all the same. Personally I need a means of occupying my " monkey brain " or it will run rampant in my head. The worst thing I can do is to try to sleep or concentrate when I have a lot on my mind. I MUST have music or the drone of TV in order to occupy that part of my head. Once that part is engaged, the other parts are free to do the business at hand. I can be completely focused with music BLARING! Any kind of noise will do. Running water is a good one, though not terribly practical here at home.
Same with sitting down to write. I get going too fast if the monkey brain is loose ( Let's just give the monkey a name. It seems wrong not to call it what it is ... how about BUBBLES ... oh wait, I think that one is taken ... how about Basil. Yes, Basil ) . What I need to focus is the free flow of ideas. Basil likes structure. The rest of me hates it. The rest of me likes spontaneity.
I am a prolific writer. I always have been. I don't always bang out extraordinary stuff, but sometimes the REAL quality of what I am trying to say is lurking somewhere and it just takes a good eye and ear to catch it. It might be tucked away with some boring crap like tonight's entry. But once in awhile there's a little nugget of undeniable truth that slips out , and those are the kinds of moments I live for.
I've met fascinating people online through words. I have experienced a greater range of emotions in the ether, than I may have ever experienced in real life. I have made friends and found lovers, and online was where I met Kelly. Our written words were our beginning. She wrote me a letter a day and stole my heart. It actually didn't take long before we spoke daily on the phone. It was those written missives in the beginning that cemented our future. But there came a time when I needed those written words to be whispers . I needed to be with her. In real time, real space. I remember wanting five minutes, just five minutes . It would be enough time to commit to memory the map I would make of her body with my hands. I still remember running my hands across her face, the slope of her nose, the small of her back ... I still remember it to this day. I took five minutes. I shut everything else out ( even Basil ) and filed the memory of those moments in a safe place. Five minutes. It's taken longer to write about it. And tomorrow I will remember THOSE moments far more clearly than these.
Everything I do or say or attempt, changes me. Sometimes I suffocate my thoughts with too many words. Sometimes I don't say enough. I don't always know where my current barometer is set. Tonight I don't know. I am just giving in to a stream of consciousness and hoping the trip is eventful and the landscape is nice when I arrive.
My art has been changing these past few years. I used to create art out of nails and screws and bolts. Now it is mostly paper. I wonder what that says about me ? I don't know that it's really about becoming anyone other than who I am so much as it's about going deeper into myself. I think maybe I'm finding some softness beneath some jagged edges. I guess the goal would be to get to the core. I wonder what I'll find there ? I feel like I've been through the hot, molten years . And I've been through the rugged layers of growing up. I don't know what lies ahead ... but I really should focus ... pay attention... remain open...
I think I need some music ...
Monday, June 13, 2005
1703
Today was just plain busy. Work was a frantic example of too much work in not enough time. And my job isn't the kind of job where you set your own limits and allow for some flexibility. Nope. There is A TASK. It is delivering mail. ALL the mail that day, period. And today was the kind of day where I feel like they don't really know what I'm worth to them.
Deep breath.
As I was driving home I felt my whole body relax, brain and all. I started thinking about how many people are in the world. Even just how many are in my world. Then I started thinking about the people just in my own line of vision. The city where I work is fairly affluent. Lots of big SUV's, designer clothes and shops that only a wealthy person could actually shop at. I have a horrible habit of comparing my insides to other people's outsides. It's hard to be around these people sometimes. I get to thinking I should drive a better car, have a better job, wear better clothes and just " look better ". I drive a nice economical Honda Civic. I work a blue-collar job, and I prefer loose-fitting jeans and a t-shirt to any fancy " label " stuff. I don't think I'm an unattractive person ( I mean, I don't think people feel tempted to look away because they can't stand to look at me ) but I look like I've lived 43 years. My hair has a little white coming in with the blond. I'm certainly not as firm in places as I'd like to be, and I have bags under my eyes most days. The bad days are the ones I feel like I should "be" someone or something, else.
Today was not one of those days.
Today, or rather this evening, I was very aware of everyone in my view. I wasn't looking to COMPARE myself with any of them, but I did take note of the more obvious things that can be seen as differences. Maybe I was exhausted and my rational self was taking a little nap. But in those moments I felt connected to people. I felt compassion for the lady who walks with a serious limp. I felt something for the old people and for the younger ones, but I can't really put my finger on what it was. I just felt connected. And it was like this thread that runs through us all was exposed for a minute. And I could see how amazing it is to be alive.
Deep breath.
A full day. Just the way they should be. Full. Alert. Authentic.
On a different note : I was glad to see justice done today. I personally don't see Michael Jackson as a criminal. And I don't think I'm a bad person for saying so. People seem to think that unless you see him as guilty, then you don't care enough about kids. BS. I care about kids. I also trust that 12 people who came to a unanimous decision regarding his innocence probably saw and heard things I never did. And I trust that the fiber, the thread that runs through us all touched THEM today too. And they had to do as Marcus Aurelius said : Look things in the face and know them for what they are ... I hope Michael Jackson gets the kind of help he needs. It will have been such a waste if something positive can't come out of this.
Deep breath.
As I was driving home I felt my whole body relax, brain and all. I started thinking about how many people are in the world. Even just how many are in my world. Then I started thinking about the people just in my own line of vision. The city where I work is fairly affluent. Lots of big SUV's, designer clothes and shops that only a wealthy person could actually shop at. I have a horrible habit of comparing my insides to other people's outsides. It's hard to be around these people sometimes. I get to thinking I should drive a better car, have a better job, wear better clothes and just " look better ". I drive a nice economical Honda Civic. I work a blue-collar job, and I prefer loose-fitting jeans and a t-shirt to any fancy " label " stuff. I don't think I'm an unattractive person ( I mean, I don't think people feel tempted to look away because they can't stand to look at me ) but I look like I've lived 43 years. My hair has a little white coming in with the blond. I'm certainly not as firm in places as I'd like to be, and I have bags under my eyes most days. The bad days are the ones I feel like I should "be" someone or something, else.
Today was not one of those days.
Today, or rather this evening, I was very aware of everyone in my view. I wasn't looking to COMPARE myself with any of them, but I did take note of the more obvious things that can be seen as differences. Maybe I was exhausted and my rational self was taking a little nap. But in those moments I felt connected to people. I felt compassion for the lady who walks with a serious limp. I felt something for the old people and for the younger ones, but I can't really put my finger on what it was. I just felt connected. And it was like this thread that runs through us all was exposed for a minute. And I could see how amazing it is to be alive.
Deep breath.
A full day. Just the way they should be. Full. Alert. Authentic.
On a different note : I was glad to see justice done today. I personally don't see Michael Jackson as a criminal. And I don't think I'm a bad person for saying so. People seem to think that unless you see him as guilty, then you don't care enough about kids. BS. I care about kids. I also trust that 12 people who came to a unanimous decision regarding his innocence probably saw and heard things I never did. And I trust that the fiber, the thread that runs through us all touched THEM today too. And they had to do as Marcus Aurelius said : Look things in the face and know them for what they are ... I hope Michael Jackson gets the kind of help he needs. It will have been such a waste if something positive can't come out of this.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
1698
Conspiracy theory day on Braen's blog.
I spent almost an entire lunch yesterday sharing my theory about this Administration. ( My mother was the unlucky lunch partner ) What we talked about was basically this : If it looks like the Republicans will not win the election in 2008, there simply won't BE an election in 2008. How do I figure ? Well, I'm glad you asked ...
This Administration, and I almost hate to call it the Republican Party anymore , has created four cornerstones that will virtually insure that they will remain in power. And POWER is what it's ALL about.
First, the media. They have censored the voices we used to rely on for information. How many images of what is REALLY happening in IRAQ have you seen ? I've seen virtually none, unless I venture out into the world of blogs to find them. Mainstream media has been silenced. You've seen it at CBS and you've seen it at NEWSWEEK ( two very well known examples ) , but it's happened everywhere. Unfortunately, what you see these days is only what they want you to see.
Second, the " terror alert " system. It's a not-so-subtle way of " reminding " us how afraid we are. Or how afraid they need us to be. Not because there is an imminent threat, but because we are much more pliable as a people when we are in our fear. They are using fear to manipulate us into believing that they are somehow keeping us safe. I don't feel safer. I can't help but remember how it was eight years between attacks on the WTC. This Administration is " rolling the dice " with our security. If someone wishes to harm us, they will. My only real fear is that " the terrorists " are probably feeling a little more empowered these days. But bottom line is this : even evil takes time. We aren't " safer " because W says we are ... we have that illusion, because evil takes time and so far we have been lucky.
Third, the " Patriot Act " . What a disaster that is. They are trying to eliminate the critics and lock up the dissenters. In reality, we don't KNOW what those " enemy combatants " know. Maybe they aren't locked up because they are a threat in the way we've been led to believe. Maybe what they threaten, is the " plan " . Bottom line, all of us are eligible to be silenced. They can talk about freedom and liberty all they want, but we know that at any time we can be spied on and subjected to great invasion of privacy. Four years ago there really WAS free speech. There really WAS freedom of the press.
Fourth, the courts. There's a reason they are fighting so hard for these nominees. And it ain't about abortion or gay marriage. It's about handing them another election, or siding with them if they should choose to eliminate elections altogether. Do we really believe it's not possible ? Stacking the courts will perpetuate the " illusion " that what is happening is not only necessary, but somehow " legal " . It will further manipulate the masses. They only support a side in these hot-button debates as distraction. Trust me, abortion and gay marriage are not going to be what drives us into the ground. What will ultimately be our undoing, will be our own ignorance. Our own apathy.
So, picture the scenario like this : McCain VS Clinton in 2008. It's looking like Clinton will win by a landslide. And it's only September. The Administration panics because there is no way they can afford to lose their grip on power. Suddenly a new " story " surfaces about Clinton and it is outrageous, but is allowed to run on " network TV " . At the same time, there are " serious threats " and the terror alert goes to ORANGE. There are reports of " terror cells " in CA, WA, NY and now Florida. People are being taken from their homes, their jobs, their places of worship and locked up. The Senate and House ( both Republican controlled ) attempt to pass legislation that would create contingency plans for the election if the country is attacked or the threat becomes greater. The ( stacked ) courts have indicated through a series of lesser challenges to election protections, that they support the legislation . There is a stunning silence from those who usually dissent, because no one has seen them for weeks, and no one is allowed to report " suspicions ", only FACTS. And the Administration determines what FACTS we need to know. And the location of those individuals are not the FACTS we need to know.
So, early in November, the terror threat is " severe " The color rises from Orange to RED. The election is cancelled, Hillary disappears, the states are on a virtual " lockdown " and the reports coming over the networks is strictly propaganda. Think it can't happen ? Think it could never happen here ? Think again. Or at the very least .... just THINK. Think for yourself. Think about what's happening versus what's being " said " is happening. What's REAL in your world. Feel safer ? Feel free ? Feel like you can trust your government ? THINK.
Okay, so that's the conspiracy theory of the day.
It's not really so fictional ...
I spent almost an entire lunch yesterday sharing my theory about this Administration. ( My mother was the unlucky lunch partner ) What we talked about was basically this : If it looks like the Republicans will not win the election in 2008, there simply won't BE an election in 2008. How do I figure ? Well, I'm glad you asked ...
This Administration, and I almost hate to call it the Republican Party anymore , has created four cornerstones that will virtually insure that they will remain in power. And POWER is what it's ALL about.
First, the media. They have censored the voices we used to rely on for information. How many images of what is REALLY happening in IRAQ have you seen ? I've seen virtually none, unless I venture out into the world of blogs to find them. Mainstream media has been silenced. You've seen it at CBS and you've seen it at NEWSWEEK ( two very well known examples ) , but it's happened everywhere. Unfortunately, what you see these days is only what they want you to see.
Second, the " terror alert " system. It's a not-so-subtle way of " reminding " us how afraid we are. Or how afraid they need us to be. Not because there is an imminent threat, but because we are much more pliable as a people when we are in our fear. They are using fear to manipulate us into believing that they are somehow keeping us safe. I don't feel safer. I can't help but remember how it was eight years between attacks on the WTC. This Administration is " rolling the dice " with our security. If someone wishes to harm us, they will. My only real fear is that " the terrorists " are probably feeling a little more empowered these days. But bottom line is this : even evil takes time. We aren't " safer " because W says we are ... we have that illusion, because evil takes time and so far we have been lucky.
Third, the " Patriot Act " . What a disaster that is. They are trying to eliminate the critics and lock up the dissenters. In reality, we don't KNOW what those " enemy combatants " know. Maybe they aren't locked up because they are a threat in the way we've been led to believe. Maybe what they threaten, is the " plan " . Bottom line, all of us are eligible to be silenced. They can talk about freedom and liberty all they want, but we know that at any time we can be spied on and subjected to great invasion of privacy. Four years ago there really WAS free speech. There really WAS freedom of the press.
Fourth, the courts. There's a reason they are fighting so hard for these nominees. And it ain't about abortion or gay marriage. It's about handing them another election, or siding with them if they should choose to eliminate elections altogether. Do we really believe it's not possible ? Stacking the courts will perpetuate the " illusion " that what is happening is not only necessary, but somehow " legal " . It will further manipulate the masses. They only support a side in these hot-button debates as distraction. Trust me, abortion and gay marriage are not going to be what drives us into the ground. What will ultimately be our undoing, will be our own ignorance. Our own apathy.
So, picture the scenario like this : McCain VS Clinton in 2008. It's looking like Clinton will win by a landslide. And it's only September. The Administration panics because there is no way they can afford to lose their grip on power. Suddenly a new " story " surfaces about Clinton and it is outrageous, but is allowed to run on " network TV " . At the same time, there are " serious threats " and the terror alert goes to ORANGE. There are reports of " terror cells " in CA, WA, NY and now Florida. People are being taken from their homes, their jobs, their places of worship and locked up. The Senate and House ( both Republican controlled ) attempt to pass legislation that would create contingency plans for the election if the country is attacked or the threat becomes greater. The ( stacked ) courts have indicated through a series of lesser challenges to election protections, that they support the legislation . There is a stunning silence from those who usually dissent, because no one has seen them for weeks, and no one is allowed to report " suspicions ", only FACTS. And the Administration determines what FACTS we need to know. And the location of those individuals are not the FACTS we need to know.
So, early in November, the terror threat is " severe " The color rises from Orange to RED. The election is cancelled, Hillary disappears, the states are on a virtual " lockdown " and the reports coming over the networks is strictly propaganda. Think it can't happen ? Think it could never happen here ? Think again. Or at the very least .... just THINK. Think for yourself. Think about what's happening versus what's being " said " is happening. What's REAL in your world. Feel safer ? Feel free ? Feel like you can trust your government ? THINK.
Okay, so that's the conspiracy theory of the day.
It's not really so fictional ...
Friday, June 10, 2005
1686
A day off again.
I tried sleeping in, but I kept having the same haunting dream. I dreamt I was out delivering mail and my route had been changed. A LOT. There were changes in landscape, addresses, locations of boxes ... it was crazy. I had a full truck of mail and I was totally lost trying to deliver it. I was in an office park and I could see my car parked in one of the stalls. It made me panic even more in my dream, because if I were to continue trying to deliver my route, I would not be able to leave once I got back to the office. Kelly told me she thought it was a sign ... a sign that I had an " out " . That my postal dilemma has a solution, and that it is to walk away from what seems so impossible and confusing. A bold step. Perhaps a very bold dream ...
We saw Barbara DeAngelis earlier this week. She is a fascinating person to listen to. She's written many books on love and relationship, one of which Kelly and I used as our " guide " in proceeding with our rather non-traditional beginning. Now, DeAngelis is talking about something new. She's talking about transforming our lives and really getting clear about what our dreams are, and what is standing in the way. She has an interesting way of making her points in a very visual kind of way. She describes a Chinese vaudeville act where someone is trying to manage a series of spinning plates. Picture this: A series of poles a short distance apart. You take a plate and get it spinning on the pole, then proceed to the next plate. Once you have all the plates spinning, it is largely about keeping them moving. As momentum decreases, the plates begin to wobble and fall. Some even fall before we can reach them. She describes our lives like that. We are constantly trying to keep our " plates " spinning.
I have a lot of plates. My job, my family, my relationships, my pets, my art ( not in any specific order ). I am endlessly trying to keep some balance. I think this all feeds into my question of " settling " . I always use to frame it by way of relationships. I think my " settling " is really about my job. I am constantly trying to find the good in it ( and there certainly IS some ) and constantly rationalizing staying. What I really want to do is ART. I'm an artist. I have found a niche and people love what I create. I crave the time to really nurture that part of me. Maybe I should let that job " plate " fall and crack. Then I could replace it with a new " plate " ...
So, I'll read the book. I'll take some baby steps. I'll keep believing I can do it. I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT !
I'll return later this weekend. I have much on my mind. Right now I want to enjoy the sun while it's making an appearance. The weatherman keeps calling for rain, but it looks like beautiful blue skies to me ...
I tried sleeping in, but I kept having the same haunting dream. I dreamt I was out delivering mail and my route had been changed. A LOT. There were changes in landscape, addresses, locations of boxes ... it was crazy. I had a full truck of mail and I was totally lost trying to deliver it. I was in an office park and I could see my car parked in one of the stalls. It made me panic even more in my dream, because if I were to continue trying to deliver my route, I would not be able to leave once I got back to the office. Kelly told me she thought it was a sign ... a sign that I had an " out " . That my postal dilemma has a solution, and that it is to walk away from what seems so impossible and confusing. A bold step. Perhaps a very bold dream ...
We saw Barbara DeAngelis earlier this week. She is a fascinating person to listen to. She's written many books on love and relationship, one of which Kelly and I used as our " guide " in proceeding with our rather non-traditional beginning. Now, DeAngelis is talking about something new. She's talking about transforming our lives and really getting clear about what our dreams are, and what is standing in the way. She has an interesting way of making her points in a very visual kind of way. She describes a Chinese vaudeville act where someone is trying to manage a series of spinning plates. Picture this: A series of poles a short distance apart. You take a plate and get it spinning on the pole, then proceed to the next plate. Once you have all the plates spinning, it is largely about keeping them moving. As momentum decreases, the plates begin to wobble and fall. Some even fall before we can reach them. She describes our lives like that. We are constantly trying to keep our " plates " spinning.
I have a lot of plates. My job, my family, my relationships, my pets, my art ( not in any specific order ). I am endlessly trying to keep some balance. I think this all feeds into my question of " settling " . I always use to frame it by way of relationships. I think my " settling " is really about my job. I am constantly trying to find the good in it ( and there certainly IS some ) and constantly rationalizing staying. What I really want to do is ART. I'm an artist. I have found a niche and people love what I create. I crave the time to really nurture that part of me. Maybe I should let that job " plate " fall and crack. Then I could replace it with a new " plate " ...
So, I'll read the book. I'll take some baby steps. I'll keep believing I can do it. I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT ! I CAN DO IT !
I'll return later this weekend. I have much on my mind. Right now I want to enjoy the sun while it's making an appearance. The weatherman keeps calling for rain, but it looks like beautiful blue skies to me ...
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